Posts Tagged ‘ Selfish ’

Perils Of Facebook: Part Two

So, I’ve already said about how it frustrates me when people put certain child related statuses on facebook, namely ones where they look down upon other people — especially when it comes to them having children and my apparent inability to have them through no fault of my own.

I also hate when people announce things (and there’s no way I limit it to just pregnancy announcements). I’ve discovered that family members of friends have died through a status. I’ve learnt what happens every single second of someone’s life through statuses.

Even better, today I learnt that a friend was worried about another friend who had “vanished” and they were calling for help. Don’t be too shocked or concerned, before I read it there’d already been an update of having found them.

The thing is that it absolutely reeks of hypocrisy. I try to not get too personal or public on this blog when it comes to real life people. Friends and family, no matter how much you love them, annoy you and using any public forum is a recipe for disaster. I will, however, write poetry and then post it and I can only hope its’s vague enough that no one takes huge offence.

Today has been the final straw. And it has nothing to do with fertility problems or trying to conceive. It’s simply an inadequate friend. I could dwell on the fact that this friend failed to respond when I told them I was out of hospital. Isn’t that nice and caring? But the final straw came when, as I said, their status involved them worrying for another person after not hearing from them for a few days.

All I can say is, few days? I constantly spend a few days not hearing from the very same friend. She vanishes off the face of the planet for days, if not weeks. She bails at the last minute. She forgets to reply and then apologises about it. She constantly lets me down and always uses the same reasons which were possibly valid seven years ago. How dare she announce that she’s worried for someone when she’s put me in the exact same situation?

I’ve lost count of the amount of time I’ve worried about her because I haven’t heard from her and yet will see something random on facebook from her. And it isn’t because she gets busy and forgets. It’s because she vanishes, because she has a bad day/week/mood, because she gets down due to a medical condition, because she chooses to. I try my hardest to sympathise with her for her illness, but after seven plus years of her inability to listen to any doctor it becomes difficult for me.

What I do find hard is when her mood damages our friendship. Or when I come out of hospital and don’t hear a thing from her. Or when I spend days of my life worrying about her when she doesn’t have any regard for how it affects her friends despite others doing the same to her. Or perhaps her worrying over this friend will make her stop doing things that worry her own friends. Sadly after all these years, I don’t think she can change and become the friend I once had.

~ Persephone M


Petty or Perfectly Plausible?

According to an online dictionary, the word petty is described as “Marked by narrowness of mind, ideas or views” or “Of small importance, trivial” or “Marked by meanness or lack of generosity, especially in trifling matters” and “Secondary in importance or rank”. And it got me thinking that being petty is incredibly subjective.

Let me paint the background: I was invited to a Christmas party of a friend that I really did want to attend, and had every intention of attending, until it got closer to the date. Then two things hit me.

One was the fact that it was going to be day 17 of my month, and my life is currently ruled by the days of the month.

Second thing was that the friend in question has lots of friends with children.

So I didn’t go. I gave some lame excuse and didn’t go. Was I petty? Was it my own narrowness of mind, to put something as trivial as other parents and last fertile day before my friend’s party? Or is their issue with me not going their own meanness and lack of generosity?

That’s where I argue that the desriptive word “petty” is totally subjective.

To me, being around other parents, people who beat me in a race I’ve yet to finish, is terrible. I hate it. It depresses me. Why should I ever subject myself to that? Maybe I should learn to cope with it, but I’m not yet. And why should I subject myself to it on the final fertile day of this month, of this year? I can honestly think of nothing much worse than sitting there as I know it’s my last chance and have everyone else discuss their children.

But then, on the other hand, for my friend I simply gave a lame excuse and she is well within her rights to believe the truth was something petty and small. She could easily think I’m the one being mean, narrowminded and uncaring for choosing some lame excuse for not turning up. Or perhaps, to other people, my reasons are trivial and my decision was petty.

Unfortunately, I don’t see how anyone would understand my real reasons so I don’t give them. Has anyone ever cancelled on you because it’s one of their fertile days and they feel uncomfortable around parents? No, because it sounds so incredibly lame and stupid. It was awful last year, I remember the awkwardness in the room with all of her friends and I couldn’t wait to get out of there. Harsh, silly and crazy, but true.

Since expanding this blog to delve more into my issues and the whole conceiving thing, I have found and read some amazing blogs that show me that I am by far alone and crazy in my thoughts. Thank you to Still Counting Stars which had a post that actually made me cry. But none of that means I have the courage to actually say these things out loud to my friends or that I’m able to get over the harsh, silly, crazy elements within me.

At some point, I’m going to have to come to terms with things, or avoid my friend every year when she throws a Christmas party. And it’s only going to get worse. How long before it spreads to family events?

Should I be honest? Should I continue feeling awful for the lame excuse and not being able to get over my own inadequacy to celebrate with her? Or should I just continue hiding?

~ Persephone M

Layers – Poem

Living high upon high, in a castle made of old, the sun glitters more,
There are gold flecks, trailing out across the hills just for them.
Living in their splendour, they want for nothing and don’t know pain,
Nor hope, nor light, nor the pressure from living beneath.

Living boxed in by concrete, pretending it could be silver, the sun’s faked,
Artificial food colouring pumped into the hydrogen-helium mix.
Until it builds and they’re wiped from their pitiful, elevated existence,
Easing the pain from their exhaust fuelled coughs and bloody sputters.

Living on the sea, riding the ups and downs, the sun reaches most,
Helping and aiding, guiding life along so nothing is a problem.
Hard work and toil, with a lump of luck, tans their skin until dark,
Hope, light, pain and pressure is a constant for them for now.

Living on the land, the green or the grey, occasional sun sputters through,
Nothing is handed out, nothing is taken for granted, yet their eyes see all.
Living for themselves, for the fakers and the golden, they still see hope,
And light and goodness. For now.

© Persephone Muse 16th November 2011

Fading Fast – Poem

A simple slip of the tongue and out the spills the moment,
Words said in bitter, twisted, resentment, in anger, in frustration.
They are just words. These are just words.
Sounds that fade, memories that slip from a mind,
Pixels that splinter, ink that smudges.
Alone it sits, boxed in by white, by cold, by the hard,
Porcelain skin that pales as the blood drops.
Too long on the feet, too long waiting and hoping,
Before the fingers fall from their arthritic joints,
Permanently locked with no key on the horizon.

Intake the life giving air, side step the evil emissions and fill,
Feel it permeate deeper down, expanding under pressure.
It is just hot air. This is just hot air.
Air that feeds, chemicals that kill with every breath,
Microbes that mutate, oxygen that’s tainted.
Sigh it all out, yet the poisons persist permanently,
Until the oxygen fades from the world.
Ignorance, self-satisfaction and sheer dumb luck,
They will be all that remains, the murderers,
Existing in glee whilst others suffer alone.

© Persephone M 16th November

Charity Begins At… Home?

Have you ever been completely mystified by other’s actions?

Have you ever been embarrassed to call yourself a member of a particular group, or of the human race?

Have you ever been tempted to send the longest group email that you’ve ever sent before, berating everyone with whom you work?

I know that I need to calm down, but I’m currently really rather frustrated, angry and disgusted with an entire group of people I know.

I’m also just plain disappointed.

A few months ago, a group within my work place took part in a charity walk. Let’s say, for argument’s sake, that I work in an office building with loads of smaller departments and it was one department that decided to do something for charity. Along with their own offering of walking however many miles or kilometers, they also put up a sweepstake in the building’s social area. It was quite simple, 50p per time slot to guess how long it would take the group to cross the finish line. The prize was the entire pot.

Let me clarify, 50p and entire prize fund as the winner’s prize. With the option, I stress option, of actually paying £1 where the second 50p would go to the charity. The prize fund remained the same.

Pretty much no one signed up for it.

Disheartening for the group, do you think? A teeny bit selfish, maybe? Or just an organisation that don’t participate in such activities?

I didn’t give it much thought until an email this week concerning an annual sweepstake which is drawn by lucky dip. The charity one wasn’t a lucky dip so you could actually try and predict the time rather than sheer dumb luck of the draw. Price is the same – 50p. The prize fund can be considered as about the same, of course it depends on the exact number of slots.

So, answer me this: why have over 50 slots already been taken on the current, annual sweepstake and yet no one bought any for the charity one?

Remember, the charity one wasn’t actually giving any money to charity unless the person opted to pay double. Perhaps those people didn’t read all the information, believing and considering a sweepstake where all the money went to charity pointless. Except it’s actually their own ignorance that prevented them reading the “rules” properly.

And how can it be pointless when, for 50p, the taking part in a sweepstake (for a prize or not) could have served as encouragement to those actually doing something for the charity?

I just honestly cannot understand why people can enter an irrelevant sweepstake and not one with such a good cause behind it.

Maybe it’s the same reason that I got scornful looks which guilted me into signing (and giving money) for someone I had never even heard of leaving, yet one of my best friends left and, despite their constant contact with a lot of departments, got fewer than twenty out of the hundred-plus workforce to sign their card?

Or maybe it’s also why staff opt out of the fund that pays for annual parties, yet still attend and drink from the free (paid for by staff monthly payments) bar when they have specifically opted out!

Clearly this world is filled with selfish, ignorant people that remind me how useless humanity actually can be!

Calming down slightly,

~ Persephone M