Posts Tagged ‘ Science ’

CD8 How I Still Have Faith

After three years of conventional trying to conceive, I think I have pretty much lost all faith that I ever had. Kinda like I’m throwing in the towel on leaving it all to nature and trying the good old fashioned fun way. I honestly don’t think that my body can naturally do what it should.

Earlier on, I was discussing with my hubby how I believe the next week or so will progress and I randomly whispered that this has to work. Because it does. This treatment, this 30th-plus cycle has to work. I have no idea what will happen if it doesn’t.

He told me that I need to have faith and I asked him how I’m supposed to do that when, for the past three years, I’ve had faith.

Almost at the same time as I thought it, he said: This time it’s faith in science.

For the past three years I have put my faith in nature and the “normal” order, the fact that men and women are supposed to be able to make babies. This month though with all of the hormones in my body, altering my body chemistry for a short period, it’s not nature in control. This time it is science.

I have no problem with this. I have no belief that it goes against God, or that He decided I shouldn’t have children and I’m going against His wishes. If God didn’t want certain people to have children, he wouldn’t have created scientific minds that created the processes.

At some point in my history, science became the point to me. I might have been in school, when I chose to study the three separate sciences at college rather than English or Languages. From the age of 16 to 18, science and studying were the complete reason for my life. It was what I did. I studied. I learnt. I avoided the pitfalls of most late-teens in my city, which I now partially regret.

Science got me through my teenage years without any unplanned pregnancies, promiscuity, drug taking or alcohol related injury. It got me to university where I betrayed it for a guy and I floundered for a bit afterwards working in some random desk job where I reached the pinnacle of my promiscuity (which really isn’t promiscuous by its definition). I hated that job, my only non-science based job. I hated the people. I think I didn’t really like myself.

But I will always remember that job for the fact that my husband worked there with me.

And he encouraged me to find a new job, within science, because it would make me happier and more fulfilled despite how it would cause problems for us in his career. When he was away, I wouldn’t be able to communicate with him as easily if I left the hated desk job.

But I needed science.

And for the past 7 years, that’s where I’ve worked – in science.

Science makes everything make sense.

A friend once told me that she didn’t think people needed to study science, to which I responded that it’s all around us so is important. She said that it wasn’t. I asked her how she knows the difference between her paints and how to clean the brushes if it’s emulsion or gloss. How does she know how to wire a plug? Why does she know that plants need to be near light? How does she understand the nutrition of the food she eats?

Science surrounds me. I want to say it surrounds us all, but not everyone has such a faith with science, I do. And, fair enough, my natural body works on science, science created it over thirty years ago in a way that I hope science can create my child. Maybe science went a bit wrong somewhere over the 30 years and I need a bit of extra help to get what I want.

And it’s all I can do anymore, to have faith in that which holds such meaning. I have to have faith in the science of the drugs I’m injecting daily.

And this time, my faith has to be in the right place, it has to work. I don’t think I can lose my faith in science.

~ Persephone M

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Today, Science Sucks!

I think I’ve stated on here before that I’m scientifically minded. The whole reason that I enjoyed taking my temperature every morning was because I enjoyed plotting the graph and looking for trends. I’m kind of a geek.

Science makes sense. It explains things. It shows how things work and where there could be errors. It’s logical and makes everything all okay again.

I think that’s why I’m awful at handling emotions and dealing with hormones. I’m the girl that can be crying for days but can’t cry in front of others. And now matter how much I love the science of my hormones and understanding when one rises, when one plummets and what that means is happening inside my body, what I don’t like about those exact same bloody hormones is how I react to them.

Every single month without fail, I have a mini emotional breakdown lasting up to two days. It’s normally filled with thoughts of how useless I am, how I’ve managed to fail yet again and how I can’t keep going on like this. It’s more than just a little bit teary. Or just a little bit irritable.

It becomes floods of tears over a simple internal thought and then a real physical inability to stop. It’s draining and annoying and I have no idea how to control it or deal with it. Other than do the opposite of the phrase “man up” and, perhaps instead, I need to woman up.

Yesterday, I decided that I wasn’t just a failure and all the normal stuff. No, I decided I was stupid and pathetic. That it was the only explanation for how naive I can become and how I cling to the smallest thread of hope when my body is building up to a scream of truth. I can examine each and every tiny thing that I feel and see how it could point to being pregnant, but I can also deny the evidence that I’m not. I can put a positive and hopeful spin on anything.

How logical and scientific is that? But that’s the side of hormones that I don’t understand and that aren’t scientific.

But then sometimes science and logic fail. Sometimes things cannot be explained by science or doctors or anyone. Somethings are unexplainable. And I just don’t understand them.

I’ve just been to the doctors to discuss my laparoscopy the other month and what the future entails, what the options now are. And science has failed me. Because my own body hasn’t.

My doctor explained that there are three key elements needed in conceiving. One is that a woman is ovulating. My blood tests proove this.

Two is that the egg can get to the uterus. The lapa and HSG showed my fallopian tubes are 100% fine and unblocked. The doctor even mentioned the word perfect.

Three is that there are actual sperm in semen and that they don’t swim around in circles. The semen analysis showed in the normal range for conception with good linear motion.

So there are no problems with any of the three areas. My laparoscopy showed me to be fine with zero endometriosis. And yet it doesn’t work.

Give a big cheer for my health and being all okay with no reason I can’t get pregnant.

But give a loud boo to science which can’t offer me any explanations or treatments to remedy the problem. Yeah, today, science sucks!

~ Persephone M

Life’s Vase – Poem

Sun still shining, slowly setting
Not a cloud in the sky, clear blue for the square in front
Long green leaves ending in a point show the gentle breeze
Telephone wires high up and taut, wobble precariously
A car moves past, a bird swims through the clear blue
The world outside continues living
In here, the stench of death.

Next to the box of others’ lives, a pot of other colours
Terracotta orange so hard and cold. How can anything live?
My how pretty, long and thin! Like straw to snap but strong as a trunk
Up them, fuel and eyes travel, journeying to the head, the summit of worth
Divergence the key to life. Variability, the fun
For them difference is visual
For us similarity is a mutation.

The strength supports, bringing life to the beauty, to the variable
Green shoots off, more fuel for their fire
The colours vivid, each one pleasing, each one unique
Fragrant smell, fresh and sweet, fills the surroundings
Each stands tall, petals soft and hydrated
Signs of life start to fade
The ways of death so close.

Each head wilts, closing tight, each smell flies away
New fragiles form, struggling and fighting for a new life
New and old join together until the withering patterns the floor
Clean them away, vacuum it up. Leave it all as memory alone
As the blue fades to black, the lives fade to light
New lives begin as old ones end
The terracotta vase is empty.

© Persephone Muse 2007

This is an old poem, part of Timeless Tuesdays and because I’m so tired and nervous that I can’t figure out anything else to post!

~ PersephoneM x

Darkness – Poem

Darkness descended, down upon the world,
And sat there, waiting. Until perhaps there was time.
Eyes pass unseeing, lungs breath unknowing,
What poison may be awaiting them in the dark?
A ray of light is all that is sought,
Would the eyes recognise the spectrum?
After all the time that has passed?

To cope and to adapt, survival of the fittest,
Only the strong survive, the tallest, the fastest,
The beaks perfect for the seed.
Perpetuation of their species, passing down the strengths,
As the darkness passed down over everything.
A world of darkness to live a life in,
Not allow it all to pass by in black blurs.

Roughened fingers feel the world, searching,
On the lookout for danger, even if it’s too late.
What if the fate is not to perpetuate? To not live forever?
To fight the pain, the suffering, the eternal unknown,
And live by an inconceivable idea of life unseen.
To dream in light, but avoid the confusion of waking,
And stop hoping for the darkness to ascend.

© PersephoneM 22nd February 2012

I Love Science

I’m not too sure when I fell in love with it, possibly somewhere in year 9 (age 13/14). At least I can remember my project book that I made all about the female reproductive system and it seems that since then, I had a fascination.

Some people consider the biological sciences to be the easier ones or far less interesting than the likes of chemistry or physics. I find it odd when people don’t love biology. But not all of that stupid plant rubbish. Even animal biology is only okay when it’s in a comparative way to humans (oh, the second year uni topic about chicken eggs and diving mammals!). I’m not sure why I never studied simple plain human physiology rather than the sister subject Biomedical Science. It would only really have meant a different third year at uni and I could have lost all of those pesky biochemistry modules.

Unfortunately, I was still convinced that I enjoyed biochemistry and even chemistry. But, no, my love of science is purely for the human physiology.

Why?

As I said, it was in year 9 when I did a project on the human female reproductive system and for some reason it all stuck with me. It’s why I now find it odd when I read others’ blogs with regards to trying to conceive, or when doctors explain everything to me in the simplest of terms. I simply think: how can someone not know their cycle?

After a few months of trying and getting nowhere, I didn’t jump online to learn how to time things, how to recognise the signs or learn about my body in greater detail. I was lucky to already know that information and simply had to pull it out of my mind. I think it’s why I get so frustrated and sink when day one comes back around. There is literally no more that I can do.

At the first appointment with the doctor, where he went over the procedures I can have to see if there’s anything wrong, his explanations of my body where met with nods from me, as I thought “I know this”. My husband, on the other hand, found it amazing and learnt what I’d been trying to tell him for months.

Even so, despite me understanding the hormones and recognising the dips and peaks, the withdrawal and the elation, I had never ever monitored my daily temperature. The thing I love about the female reproductive system is that, you can feel science happening. When you have that completely weepy, crash day, well that’s where your hormone levels have vanished with a click of the fingers and you’re almost in withdrawal from it. It’s the same with respiration or the circulatory system, you can feel the science. You can become your own test subject.

Just run a mile and your heart’s beating faster? That’s science.

Just recorded a drop in your basal temperature? That’s science.

This month, I started recording my morning temperatures. I haven’t been super regular about it, so I know I can’t depend on the results. As with any science experiment, the results need reproducing and then analysing. So when my temperature dropped the other day, near to the end of my cycle, I knew that I was going to have a period. Less than 24 hours later and my hypothesis was correct.

Did I breakdown? Did I feel like a failure?

No, I was prepared for it. When I recorded the drop, I knew there was a chance that it wasn’t reliable. I’d been awake on and off, my husband had already got up with a stomach bug (which I still seem to have avoided!), so there were enough variables that the reading wasn’t taken in the same circumstances as the others. However, I didn’t pin all my hopes on those few variables, on that slim chance. And with no other signs of either possibility, I remained calm.

If the next month provides good data then I can start depending on science, not hope to give me answers. It won’t affect my ability to conceive (I’ve always known where day 14 is), but it might help my ability to cope.

The only small problem is, I’ve always used science to explain my complete and utter breakdown once a month – of course I can’t control these tears, dear, it’s the hormones! Science says that my hormones have dropped (otherwise why the temperature drop?) and yet there is no breakdown. Perhaps it was never the hormones. Maybe, all along, it was my dependence on hope and putting my faith into it. Maybe, all along, it was my not knowing. Normally, I would not know it was day one until it hit me in the face. This time I was prepared.

And who can argue with science?

~ Persephone M