Posts Tagged ‘ Loss ’

Snow White Cheek – Poem

A flock of blackened crows gather around the one withering, wrinkly red berry,
The last vestige of a fertile fall.
They’ve gathered to fight, to cry, to squawk, to barter, to mourn.
Together, but alone.
The red tears fall, staining the snow white virginal cheek, drying as crusty,
And browning as the last berry of spring’s children.
There’s not enough food, there’s none left out at all, there’s no chance,
Hibernation now a dream.
One by one the sooty feathers drop, scattering their powdery remains,
Across the winter topsoil.
If the strong blizzard winds stay away perhaps the fallen will have a meaning.
Oh, to be dressed all in black.

© Persephone M 23rd December 2011

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Leaving Trees – Poem

I sit and gaze at the splattered window,
Listening to the howls and screams,
All the time I can see the world below,
The youth walk past, stuck in their dreams,
Ignorance shines in the eyes as they flow,
Looking up and wishing for some sun beams.

Far off in the distance the tree is in pain,
The wind batters with absolutely no care,
For it has nothing to lose and nothing to gain,
My eyes slant, face turning into an evil glare,
At the lack of respect with not a drop of shame,
Not for leaves, or for rubbish, or for the girls’ hair.

The shedding begins, but this is not the right season,
It’s May, still spring, when new life arrives,
But the clouds and rain are out, for what reason?
The poor tiny leaves ripped from their lives,
Torn from the branches in an act of treason,
Nature rebelling until only the wind survives.

One by one the leaves are torn and fall away,
Their luscious green will soon turn in shade,
Flying across the concrete and into the grey.
Another one goes, nature losing to all that’s man made,
No chance for the kids in the leaves to play,
Autumn will pass by blank and dismayed.

The poor forlorn tree will soon be alone,
Empty and bare now useless to the world,
It no longer has life despite the years it has grown.
In fear, the leaves are stolen and curled,
Hiding away in the ugly place of stone,
Amongst all the children and the singular girl.

It cannot take much more loss until it will perish,
It will give up and give in, wait for it to come,
And everyone will pass, able to see and feel its anguish.
The girls are at the beginning, marching to life’s drum,
As the tree and its leaves are left to become simply rubbish,
Each loss brings it further down into the darkened glum.

They are beginning, it is ending, both individually ageing,
Everything is trapped in life’s windowless dungeon,
Both yearning for something, feeling only an aching.
Everything is misaligned, it all feels so foreign,
Giving me thoughts that are simply baffling,
The solution for all is a new dawn, a ray of pure sun.

© Persephone M 26th May 2011

 

Four Simple Letters – Poem

Four simple letters, four simple words.

Perhaps you’re lucky,
And have your dreams,
Instead of fighting daily,
Never quite getting there.

Luck or hard work elevates,
Or at least the piggy nose,
Such is life, they say,
Sorry what? they think.

Feeling below par, beneath all,
And without a drop of luck,
Dreaming dreams of high,
Eventually, right?

Happens it might not,
Or that no one cares,
Perhaps some understand,
Even in their fulfilment.

© Persephone M 16th November 2011

Apparently – Poem

Everyone suffers, apparently.
No one has everything, apparently.
Everyone has their moments, apparently.
No one lives happily ever after, apparently.
Everyone achieves their dreams, apparently.
No one suffers in daily nightmares, apparently.
Crap.
Bull.
Lies.
No.
Keep the faith, keep the hope, apparently.
It will happen if you’re strong, apparently.
Work hard, try and persevere, apparently.
You will be rewarded with love, apparently.
Your life is not worthless, apparently.
There will be a future, apparently.
Crap.
Bull.
Lies.
No.
My belief is gone. Fact.
My hope is gone. Fact.
My future… My humanity…
My loss. Fact.

© Persephone M 16th November 2011

Go and have twins

The fosters have literally just left so excuse the bad language and bile about to come.

The stupid bitch who collected them told me to go have twins now seeing as our house is empty and because my mum will miss the two little fosters.

Fuck you.

You’ve never had other people’s children live with you for over a year, tried not to but still managed to fall in love with them.

You’ve not seen the stress my mum’s gone through being a single foster parent to two under fives.

You haven’t sat there watching as everyone falls in love with two children, fearing that you’ll never have your own.

You haven’t been told that you have unexplained infertility and might never give your husband a child or your mum grand children

So don’t fucking tell me to have twins to make my home full again. You had your own children and now get to do over with these. I get a shit load of absolutely fucking nothing.

Lost Friendships

First of all, I’m doing this by email and have no idea how it’s going to turn out, but apparently I can’t access my blog on my new/old desktop PC.

So, I’ve been feeling a bit… worthless. It’s just the mood I’m in and I know it’ll pass, but, honestly, at the moment I feel like everyone surpasses me, that there is no point for my existence.

I’m starting to feel better. And I know I will, maybe just in a few more days. Anyway, earlier on I was emailing a friend and telling her about my apparent worthlessness and then I got onto the subject of a very old, and forgotten, friend and I started to wonder if some of my current down-ness is because of someone I once knew.

There’s poetry on here about it – the time period of my life and the person (or people) in question. I think if you click on the tag “4” it should include some of them. Not sure of the others and I can’t check either! Silly desktop PC. It was ten years ago this year that everything in my life truly did go wrong, the time when if there ever was a time in my life where I was useless it was then.

It all began and in some ways culminated in 2002, with some things trailing into 2004. But by ’04 that entire period in my life was over and complete for good. She was my best friend. She isn’t anymore.

The issues between us (I don’t really know what happened. I remember feeling unhappy, angry, incredibly sad. I remember all of this being directed at her. But I think it might have just been us both growing up and, inevitably, apart. I don’t think I ever hated her. I certainly don’t hate her anymore.) have caused immense strain on other friendships.

Over the past 8-10 years I’ve avoided one friend’s birthdays and other gatherings because of the thought of the ex-friend being there. It doesn’t make me proud. The thing is, I think people think that I avoided my ex-friend, and by default my amazing other friend’s events because I hated the ex-friend. Or because I was still angry about the year in which I felt abandoned. It’s my amazing friend’s birthday soon and the ex-friend will be there. I’m already nervous.

Not because I hate her guts and don’t want to see her let alone breathe the same air as her. Not because I’m scared that she’ll pick a fight with me (I’m surprisingly unconfrontational with most people). What I don’t think anyone knows is the real reason why I’ve avoided her, why I get nervous about the thought of seeing her, why (in the past) I’ve boasted about my life on the rare occasions that I’ve been in her presence.

I miss her.

For over three years, my ex-friend was my best friend. We shared interests, we spent random hours randomly talking about rubbish or in silence just enjoying each other’s company. We held similar views and it’s sad that she’s not in my life anymore.

I have some amazing friends right now, four or five girls that I would turn to in any situation and would put my life in their hands. But none of them are my ex-friend. No one is my best friend. The ex-friend still holds that title.

And it hurts.

She’s the ex that I never got over and, just as with an ex, I don’t want her to know that I miss her, that I still need our friendship. I spent years trying to come to terms with events of 2002-2004 and of the 4 people I lost in the twelve month period ending in November 2003, she was the one who hurt the most and the longest.

To put this into perspective of quite how sad and pathetic I am, my father died in that 12 month period but losing my ex-friend hurt me more. Maybe it was because I didn’t see her leaving me, I knew my father would. Maybe it was because I thought my best friend would be just that for the rest of my life, unfortunately parents aren’t supposed to be in your life forever. Maybe it’s simply because as far as I really remember she chose to leave my life, my father never did.

Maybe it was because the majority of friends I had at the time, that I would have classed as joint friends, sided with her. Now, as far as I know we never argued so it wasn’t as if people sided with her because I was in the wrong. There are some things that I did in retaliation which might cause people to side with the ex-friend, but I never told my side. Throught out the years when it was happening and still raw, I never spoke to any mutual friend about she and I. At the time, we had been together at school, college and university so all of my friends were hers. But it was the newer ones that vanished from my life overnight and I have no idea as to the true, real reason. Eventually I did speak to two friends who had actually known her longer, but it was only because I needed to see if they saw it too. They didn’t at the time, but later it happened to them – she abandoned them, too.

It was those newer friends though, that stopped being my friend just because she and I had grown apart, that I actually wouldn’t give the time of day to now. They chose to side with her, to end a friendship with me but continue it with her. Perhaps they were lied to, perhaps they never liked me, perhaps they were young, too, and made a decision. Funny how years later, I can’t seem to remember the exact details of what happened with the ex-friend, but I can remember how those girls stopped being my friends. I miss her, and it hurts. I would still forgive the years and have my best friend back. I could never be more than passing acquaintances with them.

So, at my friend’s birthday soon, I will come face to face with someone I still wish I had and I there’s nothing I can do about it. Time most certainly hasn’t healed my heart. I have come to terms with it a bit more, but I think I just needed to admit to the entire world why I’m anxious about a party. I needed to clarify that it isn’t because I’m full of hate and bile. I needed to admit the truth.

I have to say that I’m hoping by admitting something that’s been niggling at me for, I don’t know how long, it might actually help my apprehension over my amazing friend’s upcoming birthday and might help lift my worthless mood.

I still just don’t have the answer though: How do you get over your best friend?

~ Persephone M
P.S. Apologies again for any formatting issues. Sent by email!

For You – Poem

For the memories shared,
For the times that you cared,
For the moments you ignore,
For the actions I abhore,
For the time that is lost,
For the vast emotional cost,
For the death in your eyes,
For all of the silly little lies,
For the titles I gave you,
For the privilege of the few,
For you throwing it in my face,
For giving up in the first place,
For the choices you’ve made,
For all the love to finally fade,
For the milestones you miss,
For the final goodbye kiss,
For all of the years,
For all of the tears,
For all of the pain,
For all of the rain,
For the distance you now run,
For the person you’ve become.

© Persephone M 12th March 2012

This came to me earlier on today and started off as something very different. Sometimes things just come to an end, after years of life together and all you could be left with are memories.

A bit different for the usual posts on Monday Memories!

~ Persephone M