Posts Tagged ‘ Life ’

Flowers – Poem

Standing tall and proud, it bears the only light,
Illuminating and radiating, warmth and smell abound,
As bright as the sun, as dark as the night,
Two opposing sides, battling to control.
One by one the petals unfurl, revealing an inner beauty,
The pinky white, tinges of deeper crimson,
And suddenly the stamen and stigma revealed,
Their weakness, the inner, fragile weakness.
Slowly time passes as petals fall from their height,
Tumbling to the floor with a pitter patter sound,
Cold is setting in, all the smell worn out,
Now is their time to wilt.
After the dehydration, after all the wrinkles,
After the colours fade from the eye,
The pollen all blows away, staining the heart,
Until the blinding stalks falter, fade and fall.

© 2011


Conveyor Stuck in Reverse – Poem

Some say there’s a tunnel at the junction, with a light at the end,
I can see my light, but it’s not death’s door, it’s of life waiting.
Desperately, I run for it before the candle’s wick burns out,
Tunnel vision hones in on the smallest flicker, hoping for no tear,
Or breeze, no drop of rain.
On a conveyor stuck in reverse, the game’s rigged,
To keep my life dark.
Desperately, I try, I run, trying to beat this wicked racing game,
Diversions on the left, blind bends on the right, my focus is fading.
And then I’m falling faster than gravity demands,
Desperately, I reach behind, something in my past as an anchor.
I fall.

© Persephone M 23rd December 2011.

My New Blog

After the reveal of my IUI working, I have started a new blog to keep all pregnancy related things separate from this blog. Here is the introduction.

I don’t know how active I’ll remain on this blog, or how much I’ll actually blog on the other, it’s just important to me to keep them separate.

I’ll still keep reading the other TTC blogs out there, as I still consider myself infertile – or at least not easily fertile – and I wish my luck to every one that has ever read this blog and is still on their journey!

~ Persephone M

Freebies Cost The World

Due to the snow today I needed to grab a lift rather than getting frozen! On the way home, the lady kind enough to save me from the snowfall had to pick up her child from daycare. She asked the staff how many children had been brought in and the answer was surprising.

In this country every child over a certain age gets a certain number of nursery/daycare hours for free. Any parent who wants their child to go for more has to pay for the extra. So the nursery/preschool in question had tried to open for all of those poor parents that would need to go to work in the snow today. The same way that most schools tried to open so that all the other parents in the country could go to their job.

But, in this nursery/preschool, the other children present were all the freebie people those that get the free hours because they qualify for a range of benefits (free money for some). So all the workers opted, or were forced, to stay home in the snow (some may even have had their pay docked) but could have then played with their children, building snowmen and throwing snowballs – as my friend chose to do after our bosses sent us home. Why would she waste those memories even if she had paid? Memories are priceless.

But what of all these other kids? The ones who made it into nursery? What were there parents doing? Not struggling to get into work. Not wishing they could spend some fun time in the snow. The parents in question get the free hours because they qualify for it alongside benefits which means they don’t work. So did they sit at home alone? Or do whatever is normal for them whilst their kids are in nursery, school or education in general?

From the people I know in that situation, I honestly have no idea what they do with those hours other than watch Jeremy Kyle and play video games surrounded by dirty clothes, piles of dishes and overflowing ash trays. But the parents at my friend’s nursery chose to not play with their children, forcing the nursery workers to remain working when perhaps they have children of their own and would love to close early.

In trying to be fair, the unfairness gap simply grows.

~ Persephone M
P.S. I know there are those on benefits because they work just not enough hours. I also know there are those that can’t work or can’t find work. I know I’m generalising, but I’m not the only one doing it and there are plenty of bone idle people out there.

Photo: The Murky Flowers

Even beautiful blooms can become stagnant and need to be pruned, left to rot in the downpours.
Waters that muddy with every new drop, making things lurking beneath the surface seem almost as if they’re not there.
Every friendship needs pruning, some to the point of extinction; especially when things become too murky, no matter how strong the love.
~ Persephone M

The Downhill Slope

I get really annoyed about people who keep telling me that I’m getting old and that it’s all downhill from here. I never used to have a problem with ageing.

I loved turning 18 and having ID. In fact I loved it more when I hit 20/21 and I actually liked drinking and going out. It hasn’t happened in a while but I still panic about being IDed when trying to buy alcohol. I think it’s because I’m about to turn 30, the first milestone in 9 years and everyone loves their 21st. It’s that my body already feels like it is failing so the joking comments of getting older and it’s all downhill from here, aren’t really that funny.

I’ve always considered myself generally healthy. I like naughty foods but I’ve always managed to be on the slimmer side of obese. People would still say I am,but there’s been a definite weight gain the past 6 months or so. That could simply be due to having surgery which put exercise out of the equation and eating more junk food than normal. Whilst maintaining my weight has never been a huge problem, losing weight is impossible.

So I’ve gone up a dress size and then of course there’s the whole fertility thing. I don’t want to call myself infertile because there’s no reason that I am and I feel like I shouldn’t be grouped with people who are infertile with reasons. Mine doesn’t feel as important or significant or mean as much because there is nothing wrong with me. And if there isn’t anything wrong with me, my body isn’t failing me, right?

But its still my body that can’t get pregnant. And getting older isn’t going to help.

So when people I know joke about it all being downhill from here, thanks but I can’t go much further down. And for those that joke about it all that openly know about my fertility issues (because some of the commenters are merely acquaintainces) well I really wish they could learn some common sense and realise that words can hurt.

This is probably my most anxious birthday and I don’t want to be all precious about it,but I am getting old and my body already can’t do thinks it should be able to and it isn’t going sort itself out with increasing age or get better with age. I’m not a fine wine. I’m the pink spotted mouldy dairylea I found in my fridge thie.morning.

~Persephone M

My Smile

I’ve just started working on a new project sorting and organising all of my old family photos. My Great Aunt passed away a few years ago and her daughter gave my mum all of the photos in the hope that, as family eldest, my mum would be the one who had the greatest chance of knowing who everyone in the photos are.

No one’s got around to doing anything with them yet. But then I had a major spring (summer) clean and decided to put my new desk and office space at home to good use; I began scanning them all in.

I’ve only done just over 100 and I started with the family weddings, moving onto random ones that I will never be able to put a date to. I wasn’t going to show anyone any of them until I was all finished and perhaps collated them into albums. But then I saw this picture.

I never met this lady and, sadly, I don’t think any of her descendants look like her, but the half crazy, hyper smile of a grown woman sitting on what could be a child’s rocking horse is familiar. So I am sharing this one photo now.

The smile says it all.

~ Persephone M