Posts Tagged ‘ Ignorance ’

Perils Of Facebook: Part Two

So, I’ve already said about how it frustrates me when people put certain child related statuses on facebook, namely ones where they look down upon other people — especially when it comes to them having children and my apparent inability to have them through no fault of my own.

I also hate when people announce things (and there’s no way I limit it to just pregnancy announcements). I’ve discovered that family members of friends have died through a status. I’ve learnt what happens every single second of someone’s life through statuses.

Even better, today I learnt that a friend was worried about another friend who had “vanished” and they were calling for help. Don’t be too shocked or concerned, before I read it there’d already been an update of having found them.

The thing is that it absolutely reeks of hypocrisy. I try to not get too personal or public on this blog when it comes to real life people. Friends and family, no matter how much you love them, annoy you and using any public forum is a recipe for disaster. I will, however, write poetry and then post it and I can only hope its’s vague enough that no one takes huge offence.

Today has been the final straw. And it has nothing to do with fertility problems or trying to conceive. It’s simply an inadequate friend. I could dwell on the fact that this friend failed to respond when I told them I was out of hospital. Isn’t that nice and caring? But the final straw came when, as I said, their status involved them worrying for another person after not hearing from them for a few days.

All I can say is, few days? I constantly spend a few days not hearing from the very same friend. She vanishes off the face of the planet for days, if not weeks. She bails at the last minute. She forgets to reply and then apologises about it. She constantly lets me down and always uses the same reasons which were possibly valid seven years ago. How dare she announce that she’s worried for someone when she’s put me in the exact same situation?

I’ve lost count of the amount of time I’ve worried about her because I haven’t heard from her and yet will see something random on facebook from her. And it isn’t because she gets busy and forgets. It’s because she vanishes, because she has a bad day/week/mood, because she gets down due to a medical condition, because she chooses to. I try my hardest to sympathise with her for her illness, but after seven plus years of her inability to listen to any doctor it becomes difficult for me.

What I do find hard is when her mood damages our friendship. Or when I come out of hospital and don’t hear a thing from her. Or when I spend days of my life worrying about her when she doesn’t have any regard for how it affects her friends despite others doing the same to her. Or perhaps her worrying over this friend will make her stop doing things that worry her own friends. Sadly after all these years, I don’t think she can change and become the friend I once had.

~ Persephone M


End of the Line?

I’m sorry that I’ve still been so absent on here; I want to say it’s because I’ve been too busy, that I’ve been too happy to find reasons to blog or that I’m not in the right (down) mood to write poetry.

It’s none of those things.

I can only describe it as I’m tired. I’m lazy. I’m lethargic. I’m fed up. And there doesn’t seem to be a thing that makes it any better.

I had to force myself to go out one night last week with my SLR, actually I did it two nights in a row. But, I’d have rather vegged on the sofa.

I’m constantly tired and have been sleeping far too much. I really wish that I could just stay in bed all day long, or maybe on the sofa with a duvet and my Tivo – Perhaps that’s where my problems all started.

There’s no real reason to any of it. I just can’t be bothered anymore. With anything. I haven’t updated my 365 blog in probably almost a week and even then it was a week’s catch up because I hadn’t been bothered. I’m only checking my emails because I’m a landlord and really can’t let that slide.

In fact, I only logged onto facebook this morning because last night I was doing my online banking (homepage = facebook) and had noticed a picture. I then had to show my boss this picture, but before I could get there I had the dreaded facebook announcement.

I’ve only had one before – a family member/in-law who I have only met once and then instantly deleted when they couldn’t even be bothered to reply to me. Today it was someone I guess I consider a friend. I barely see or speak to her, but the last time I did (some time last year) I told her about my fertility concerns. So whether I see her often or not, she knows about my problems and today, my top news story is that she’s expecting again. I guess it hurts extra because she knew/knows. It probably doesn’t help that I’m in this current funk. It all feels like the last straw and I have no idea what to do.

A friend broke the news to me the other week that someone I kind of know is pregnant, almost at the end of her pregnancy, but my friend hadn’t known how to tell me. I smiled and said I understood. I hurt a bit inside, but only a tiny bit and then it passed because a) I barely know the person anymore and b) I didn’t find out via a status.

How am I supposed to pick myself back up now?

~ Persephone M

Shift Worker – Poem

I’m only part time here,
A worker of shifts,
Sometimes I’m far, others near,
I’ll leave you all miffed.
I won’t invest my time,
I won’t spare it on you,
I’ll give neither reason nor rhyme,
Other places give a better view,
I move and flit to here and there.
Does it matter if I’m not fair?
You can give you all,
As I await another’s call.
The job I do, I care not,
I’ll take whoever pays the most,
That’s how shifts play out,
That’s your slot.
Until I’m a forgotten ghost,
A mere smudge on a brain scan,
Sneaking under a dam.

© Muse Persephone 23rd December 2011

This is one of the last poems that I wrote in 2011. Enjoy!

Why? Making me feel bad.

Okay, so like, let’s pretend for a second, like, that I’m, like, totally still in school and totally young and, like, naive, and, well, yeah, like, why doesn’t she like me? Why does she treat me like this? How can I make her like me, or just talk to me?

Flashback to 15 years ago is over and back to today. Oh, wait, I still feel like that. So, yeah, I have this friend, who I’m still going to call her a friend, because unlike 15 years ago when the smallest disagreement led to being mortal enemies, just because someone upsets me, makes me feel rubbish and fails utterly to ever be there for me, doesn’t stop them being my friend.

Although perhaps it should.

This friend (because, hopefully, she will always be my friend) has a lot going on in her life, an awful lot. She doesn’t have the happiest of lives and there are times when her life is even more worse than normal for her. From her point of view, a bad day for her is every day and on a worse than normal day, she can’t leave the house. Or even live in her own house and she has to go stay with family.

Sadly, she’s been like this for years and I can’t see any light at the end of her proverbial tunnel. Let’s call her Zoe. Zoe vanishes from the planet, it seems, for weeks on end and churns out excuses as to why she can’t see you (or why she’s cancelling at the last bloody minute) as easy as it is to breathe. It’s frustrating.

Zoe’s almost patented the phrase “I’m not in the right head place” – it’s her excuse… sorry, reason for everything and, I’ll be honest, it gets on my nerves.

And that’s when I then feel bad. Because she is living a completely different life than I can even imagine and it’s incredibly hard for her. I’ve known Zoe since I was that fifteen year old girl who became mortal enemies with plenty of girls in an inner city all girls school. She was never one of my enemies then and will never become one now.

Then I think about all of the time I invest in her. I worry about her. I text her and wait for a reply, fearing when I don’t get one that she’s finally gone and walked in front of a train. I make plans to see her, rearranging my schedule for her, just to have her cancel at the last minute. I listen to her complain about her life, about how she’s always tired because she can’t sleep, but also because she’s been out all day socialising with all of her newer friends and how the doctors want her to do things that she doesn’t agree with – how about do it because they’re the doctors and know their job!

On so many occasions, Zoe and her parents have told me that I’m the only one who’s stuck by her through the past fifteen years. And I keep sticking by her.

And that’s when I feel bad again. That’s when I feel guilty that it all annoys me, because she has the ultimate excuse. She’s fragile – mentally and physically and I feel bad whenever I get upset with her, despite the fact that perhaps I’m allowed to be.

For three months, Zoe has no idea what I’ve been going through, if anything has happened with me. And I’m not being selfish because I try and ask her, the answer is “My head’s not right” or “I’m not well mentally” with no other explanation or chance to see her to try and find out, to try and help her.

Any relationship is built by all members of it, maintained by all members. No one-sided relationship can ever thrive and grow, or even exist in a heathly non-bunny boiler state. It doesn’t matter if it’s a romantic, platonic, familial relationship — effort is needed from all parties.

Zoe’s been vanished for over three months now. I’ve had the odd text reply with her patented phrase and nothing else and they’ve always been in response to a message I’ve sent first. Why do I have to keep making the effort? Why do I let her get away with making no effort? Why do I accept her excuses and let her treat me like nothing? Why do I put up with her new friends who look down at me because I’m not sensitive enough to her? Is that what she wants from me, the pandering that her newer friends give her because they haven’t been around for as long, gotten as tired of fighting a losing battle as I have?

Why do I feel like the most awful person in the world for even thinking these things?

Why do I feel so freaking bad no matter what I do?

~ Persephone M

Layers – Poem

Living high upon high, in a castle made of old, the sun glitters more,
There are gold flecks, trailing out across the hills just for them.
Living in their splendour, they want for nothing and don’t know pain,
Nor hope, nor light, nor the pressure from living beneath.

Living boxed in by concrete, pretending it could be silver, the sun’s faked,
Artificial food colouring pumped into the hydrogen-helium mix.
Until it builds and they’re wiped from their pitiful, elevated existence,
Easing the pain from their exhaust fuelled coughs and bloody sputters.

Living on the sea, riding the ups and downs, the sun reaches most,
Helping and aiding, guiding life along so nothing is a problem.
Hard work and toil, with a lump of luck, tans their skin until dark,
Hope, light, pain and pressure is a constant for them for now.

Living on the land, the green or the grey, occasional sun sputters through,
Nothing is handed out, nothing is taken for granted, yet their eyes see all.
Living for themselves, for the fakers and the golden, they still see hope,
And light and goodness. For now.

© Persephone Muse 16th November 2011

Fading Fast – Poem

A simple slip of the tongue and out the spills the moment,
Words said in bitter, twisted, resentment, in anger, in frustration.
They are just words. These are just words.
Sounds that fade, memories that slip from a mind,
Pixels that splinter, ink that smudges.
Alone it sits, boxed in by white, by cold, by the hard,
Porcelain skin that pales as the blood drops.
Too long on the feet, too long waiting and hoping,
Before the fingers fall from their arthritic joints,
Permanently locked with no key on the horizon.

Intake the life giving air, side step the evil emissions and fill,
Feel it permeate deeper down, expanding under pressure.
It is just hot air. This is just hot air.
Air that feeds, chemicals that kill with every breath,
Microbes that mutate, oxygen that’s tainted.
Sigh it all out, yet the poisons persist permanently,
Until the oxygen fades from the world.
Ignorance, self-satisfaction and sheer dumb luck,
They will be all that remains, the murderers,
Existing in glee whilst others suffer alone.

© Persephone M 16th November

Charity Begins At… Home?

Have you ever been completely mystified by other’s actions?

Have you ever been embarrassed to call yourself a member of a particular group, or of the human race?

Have you ever been tempted to send the longest group email that you’ve ever sent before, berating everyone with whom you work?

I know that I need to calm down, but I’m currently really rather frustrated, angry and disgusted with an entire group of people I know.

I’m also just plain disappointed.

A few months ago, a group within my work place took part in a charity walk. Let’s say, for argument’s sake, that I work in an office building with loads of smaller departments and it was one department that decided to do something for charity. Along with their own offering of walking however many miles or kilometers, they also put up a sweepstake in the building’s social area. It was quite simple, 50p per time slot to guess how long it would take the group to cross the finish line. The prize was the entire pot.

Let me clarify, 50p and entire prize fund as the winner’s prize. With the option, I stress option, of actually paying £1 where the second 50p would go to the charity. The prize fund remained the same.

Pretty much no one signed up for it.

Disheartening for the group, do you think? A teeny bit selfish, maybe? Or just an organisation that don’t participate in such activities?

I didn’t give it much thought until an email this week concerning an annual sweepstake which is drawn by lucky dip. The charity one wasn’t a lucky dip so you could actually try and predict the time rather than sheer dumb luck of the draw. Price is the same – 50p. The prize fund can be considered as about the same, of course it depends on the exact number of slots.

So, answer me this: why have over 50 slots already been taken on the current, annual sweepstake and yet no one bought any for the charity one?

Remember, the charity one wasn’t actually giving any money to charity unless the person opted to pay double. Perhaps those people didn’t read all the information, believing and considering a sweepstake where all the money went to charity pointless. Except it’s actually their own ignorance that prevented them reading the “rules” properly.

And how can it be pointless when, for 50p, the taking part in a sweepstake (for a prize or not) could have served as encouragement to those actually doing something for the charity?

I just honestly cannot understand why people can enter an irrelevant sweepstake and not one with such a good cause behind it.

Maybe it’s the same reason that I got scornful looks which guilted me into signing (and giving money) for someone I had never even heard of leaving, yet one of my best friends left and, despite their constant contact with a lot of departments, got fewer than twenty out of the hundred-plus workforce to sign their card?

Or maybe it’s also why staff opt out of the fund that pays for annual parties, yet still attend and drink from the free (paid for by staff monthly payments) bar when they have specifically opted out!

Clearly this world is filled with selfish, ignorant people that remind me how useless humanity actually can be!

Calming down slightly,

~ Persephone M