Posts Tagged ‘ Husband ’

I, Me, We?

I said in an earlier post about how I was using the term I despite referring to how it is my husband and I trying (and failing) to conceive. At the time I explained it as it’s because I’m the one writing.

That’s not quite the case.

Upon deeper reflection I’ve uncovered my true reasons for why I say I. Because it is me. Yes, we can’t seem to conceive, but I see that as my fault. Yes, we are being tested emotionally and perhaps physically, but it’s me who actually has the medical tests. It’s me that actually suffers with the hormones (although he does suffer from my subsequent moods).

I’m by no means belittling him in all of this, but my husband’s one of those men that rarely talks. And I don’t just mean about feelings, it’s opening his mouth to do anything but breathe. Maybe it’s because I’m an only child so used to amuse myself by talking to myself a lot. I love to talk. I found a perfect partner who hates talking. Because of this, he doesn’t talk about what we as a couple are going through. He doesn’t need to.

My stomach still feels a bit tender from the laparoscopy almost two weeks ago, but the only real problem is that I can’t sleep how I like to. Neither can my husband. He’s scared to throw his arm around me in the night and land on my poor belly button. I’ve felt a severe lack of closeness with him and I know he’s felt it, too. He doesn’t need to tell me.

I know he misses cuddling me at the moment. I know he hates “day one” just as much as I do (and not just because I take it all out on him). I know he worries that it’s all his fault. I know he hates that it’s me that had those tests, the pain and the fear of the hospital, and that he would do anything to have been able to do it all for me.

I consider that I fail every month, just as I passed the tests. Yes, it’s we as a couple that fail to manage to conceive, but it’s me. It is I. Maybe it is as simple as this blog is mine and that I am the storyteller of the journey. Or that I do see it as my fault, my pain and what happens to me. I am strongly in the belief that my husband could have children with anyone; it’s me that is the problem. He thinks the opposite.

In reality, who knows?

So until anything becomes clearer, blogs linked to my/we/our attempts at trying to conceive shall remain muddled with the pronouns.

~ Persephone M


Sunday Omnibus – Mothering Sunday

Happy Mother’s Day!

I’ve been back at work and my stomach is feeling much better – my t-shirt no longer hurts simply touching my skin which is always a good thing! And then I spent my weekend attempting to treat my mum which is so difficult with the two foster children in tow.

To try and give her a rest, my husband and I took both children to the park and I took my camera. The biggest problem I always have when I’m out with these children is that people assume (or I assume they assume) that I’m the parent. Every child has tantrums, these two are slightly more troubled than the average child – they are only 3 and 4 and in the care system. They’ve lived with us for almost a year now, but they still keep getting new information for their tiny brains to process which causes more behavioural issues. Then again, I’m sure every parent feels other’s eyes on them when their child has a tantrum in public.

I just always think: They’re not mine!!!!!

The bigger problem that I have is when they call out to either me or my husband. I’m not sure of the current stats, but I know the city in which I live used to have a very high rate of teenage pregnancy and I always feel as if it has a high incidence of single parents. So I always feel odd when one child shouts out to my husband because, obviously, they call us both by our names. Do people then think my husband is just yet another boyfriend that I’m recklessly bringing into my children’s lives? Or that I’m an unattentive mother as I wander around the park taking pictures leaving the boyfriend to play with the children?

Or do they not think a thing?

Anyway, in honour of my mother who not only did a fantastic job of raising me, but she’s helped foster (for whatever length of time) a good handful of children including these two for almost a whole year, some pictures from today without showing the faces!

I think each image can be a metaphor for the care system in general – constantly pushing and getting no where; struggling to climb or reach, and then slipping back down; caged in or out from normal life.

I also posted an image from the park on my 365 blog. You can find it here. Other images from the past seven days include daffodils, rain drops, sunsets, fog and the end of painkillers!

How was your week?
~ Persephone M

Two Years Long: Second Anniversary – Rome

It’s almost my third wedding anniversary and due to complications on the flat, I had hoped to spend a long weekend with my husband romantically painting our property. I know, right? But then nothing was really going to live up to our first and second. At about this time last year, we went to Rome

In just two and two bit days, I saw everything I wanted to see and bless the Husband, he went around it all with me. Day one was the colosseum, a few Piazzas, A few churches, Spanish Steps and Villa Borghese. Day two was the Vatican, a few more Piazzas (including revisiting Navona as it is a-mazing), some more churches and the river. Part day three (only the morning), a final church and a hidden obelisk I had no plans on seeing (I love obelisks).

I’ve tried to go for some of my more random images – especially of the colosseum – because everyone’s seen the stock images of Rome, right? Sigh, no amazing places for the third anniversary though, just a building site!

I usually take a handy Top Ten book on my holidays. For my second anniversary to Rome, I couldn’t find one and had to use a Frommer’s Day by Day. It did the same trick. I highly recommend either range of books for anyone travelling. They are both equally as fantastic at guiding you to the places you want to see once in country (I have never got lost once), they’re pocket friendly, have amazing maps and are really handy for using before travelling. I’ve never followed one of the actual routes in either range, but I have adapted them based on the book’s recommendations.

I love these handy books so much, I even bought an AA City Pack Guide simply because it was in a charity shop. It appears I’ll be booking a holiday to Vienna at some point! Maybe the 4th anniversary,

~ Persephone M

The Seven Year Itch

I don’t know what’s been up with me for the past week or so; I just haven’t really done much in the evenings whatsoever and this blog has suffered. My apologies!

Hopefully, that little blip of an odd mood is over and I’m focused again here. To celebrate me resuming normal service, today’s blog is kinda about love. You might think it’s just because tomorrow is Valentine’s day, but it kind of isn’t. Although it kind of is.

I haven’t called today’s entry The Seven Year Itch because my husband is on the verge of having an affair (realistically, how would I know what’s going on in his head/heart?) or because I’m suffering the urge to move on from the situation. Seven years ago on the second Monday in February (it was the 14th and, therefore, Valentine’s day), I followed my usual evening routine as if it were simply any other work day.

This included heading to my friend’s home for them to get changed before watching a bit of TV and then safely escorting me home. Except on that Monday evening, completely ignorant of the Saint, we settled down to watch a DVD and then I didn’t go home.

I won’t give it all away, much like seven years ago when I didn’t give it all away that night, but needless to say that was the beginning of a new relationship for me. One that was completely different to the ones before.

Boyfriend number one was older than me, and I was far more naive than my age should have allowed me. During and after all the years with him, he managed to convince me that I could do no better than him. We argued and fought. A lot. And it wasn’t the nice kind of bickering that’s still present with my husband now.

Boyfriend number two was a rich, attractive, drunk who turned out to have serious issues and could not let go. He was the only person I ever dumped. He was determined that I would start wearing heels, skirts and make up, that I would act how he wanted, move where he wanted us to live, live in his life. Perhaps if I’d have been stronger, the relationship could have worked and I could have fought my corner. But Number One had made me eager to find someone, anyone to love the unloveable me.

Boyfriend number three was less a boyfriend and more an older man with whom there could never be any future. He was the object of my crush and, for someone who had been convinced they could not be loved, who had been told their future was mapped out, someone with no future, no love, simply desire, it was what I needed then.

Boyfriend number four was the guy from work who incredibly kindly walked me home every night. I saw him as a friend, assumed he saw me as simply a friend. He may or may not have been lying, but after that DVD on Valentine’s night, we were not just friends. He understood Number One who had dragged down my self esteem. He understood Number Two who had wanted to mould me into the perfect little wife. He understood Number Three that had boosted my confidence. And he understood that I needed time.

It may not have started in any sort of normal way for a relationship, but, as I sit here, seven years later on the eve of Valentine’s with a husband playing some silly game like Angry Birds, it was the perfect conclusion to the first three. I have no desire or urge to change the situation. And he’d be too scared to have an affair!

~ Persephone M

Photo Challenge 1

I got a book for Christmas: Digital Photography Step By Step, Tom Ang. And as I started going through it I stumbled upon little “missions” every few pages (so far anyway).

Liking the first few, I decided to give them a go and post them here. Today I actually did challenges one and two, but am only going to post challenge one today. Here it is:

The Brief:

  • Ask a friend or family member to name something at random – the first thing that they think of. Make a set of pictures based around this subject, and apply the approach that comes most naturally to you.

Points to Remember:

  • Allow yourself the freedom to shoot or treat the subject in any way you feel is appropriate.
  • Aim to create a certain number of pictures as your target and try to revise and improve the images in the set once you reach the target amount.
  • Have fun with the idea of being obliged to shoot something you may not have thought of as worthy of photographing.
  • Experiment with the relationships between the images within the set.

I decided on two images to make public, simply because I also chose to ask all four members of the house. My mother answered aerosol can.

My husband answered juicer.

The 4 year old foster child answered car.

The 3 year old foster child originally answered “Grandpa in my Pocket” (a TV show), so I asked him what his favourite thing was and he answered “Lana” – my mother, who hates having her photo taken.

Here are the two shots each results:

This was the last juicer image taken, but my second favourite. I like the shadow and how it shows both parts of the juicer.

I really wanted to get a shot of the juicer ring hanging and of the shadow, too. The shadow failed!

I couldn't get the colouring right, but chose this image because of the shadow leading into the image of the can.

The lighting from the flash works here without giving too much glare and you can see the detail of the hole.

Black and white cars.

As I put all the cars away, I saw this and loved the messiness and the bright colours.

My mum is known for her jewellery and love of elephants. Being restricted to what I could shoot, this jumped out at me.

A close of the rings my mum wears. I centered the focusing, not on her wedding or engagement rings, but on the ring that once belonged to my dad.

What do you think? I think I forgot the “relate to each other” part, so I might do a challenge 1a at some point. Challenge two next weekend!

~ Persephone M

Disclaimer: Challenge reproduced without permission of the author, Tom Ang, or the publisher, DK. Very sorry! Other bloggers are happy to copy the challenges, but please credit, at least, Tom Ang.