Posts Tagged ‘ Hope ’

Petulance – Poem

Many others are allowed to succeed, yet not me,
I am deemed unworthy for the joy of new times,
Revelling in their moments, boasting with earnt glee,
All around here new blood always surrounds me,
Crying in sorrow when others end their bumpy path,
Lacking far more than I, yet no luck for me,
Enough of this unfairness and pain. End it now, please!

Evil people need their punishing, what have I done?
Leaving a part of me behind, losing it over and again,
Chances are changing, percentages slowly dropping,
Always the same feelings of wanting, failing,
Reeling as my heart breaks yet again, blood dripping,
Inside depression fills me as I simply watch,
Money seems so important, but does not buy me this.
(c) 2011

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Hope – Poem

It’s called hope, and the thing about hope is it doesn’t just fade; hope comes crashing down all around you like the inevitable wave breaks on the shingle.

Where my father sleeps
Is the place to which I seek
Beneath the dirt and ice
My life would be nice
Into which I will be born
After this one is all worn
I seek a place to rest
It is you to whom I bequeath
You will know what is the best
Whichever is underneath.
By land or by the sea,
Either will suit me.

© December 2011. Possibly.

Conveyor Stuck in Reverse – Poem

Some say there’s a tunnel at the junction, with a light at the end,
I can see my light, but it’s not death’s door, it’s of life waiting.
Desperately, I run for it before the candle’s wick burns out,
Tunnel vision hones in on the smallest flicker, hoping for no tear,
Or breeze, no drop of rain.
On a conveyor stuck in reverse, the game’s rigged,
To keep my life dark.
Desperately, I try, I run, trying to beat this wicked racing game,
Diversions on the left, blind bends on the right, my focus is fading.
And then I’m falling faster than gravity demands,
Desperately, I reach behind, something in my past as an anchor.
I fall.

© Persephone M 23rd December 2011.

Four Simple Letters – Poem

Four simple letters, four simple words.

Perhaps you’re lucky,
And have your dreams,
Instead of fighting daily,
Never quite getting there.

Luck or hard work elevates,
Or at least the piggy nose,
Such is life, they say,
Sorry what? they think.

Feeling below par, beneath all,
And without a drop of luck,
Dreaming dreams of high,
Eventually, right?

Happens it might not,
Or that no one cares,
Perhaps some understand,
Even in their fulfilment.

© Persephone M 16th November 2011

Apparently – Poem

Everyone suffers, apparently.
No one has everything, apparently.
Everyone has their moments, apparently.
No one lives happily ever after, apparently.
Everyone achieves their dreams, apparently.
No one suffers in daily nightmares, apparently.
Crap.
Bull.
Lies.
No.
Keep the faith, keep the hope, apparently.
It will happen if you’re strong, apparently.
Work hard, try and persevere, apparently.
You will be rewarded with love, apparently.
Your life is not worthless, apparently.
There will be a future, apparently.
Crap.
Bull.
Lies.
No.
My belief is gone. Fact.
My hope is gone. Fact.
My future… My humanity…
My loss. Fact.

© Persephone M 16th November 2011

Losing Track of Time

I guess I mean the title in two senses of the sentence, or for two different reasons.

It feels like I’ve lost track of time, the past year has flown by so fast that I truly wonder where some of it has gone, but I still know how long has passed and how long I have left until Elvis’ first birthday (15 days at time of typing). I met a mummy today who brought her 10 week old to a baby group. I have grey-tinted glasses and sat there wondering how on Earth she was functioning because I was no where near that together 40 weeks ago. Except I was at groups by that point, too, so I couldn’t be as un-functioning as I remember.

What I’ve truly lost track of is when I last had my period. According to my diary it was two months ago, but I know I had one last month, I just can’t remember when. Since my periods returned at 4 months post partum, I’ve only ever been two days late and I’m pretty sure that I’m passed that now. For when I guess I had my last period.

I don’t want to fall back into my old habits because, come on, I got my baby, I cannot freak out and have my world collapse every month that I fail to get pregnant because I have to look after him and, oh, yeah, I have him! I’m not even 100% sure I want a second right now. Maybe ever. Obviously, if it happens, it happens. I figure after being classified as having unexplained infertility, we’re risking  it every month but I still believe in my head that it won’t work. We’ll need a doctor and drugs again, if we choose to do that.

Yet I still have hope, I think, every month. Every month I wonder if it could be. Every month that I have no sign or symptom (because my cycle has changed since Elvis), I wonder if it means I could be. Every month I wonder if I could cope with a second, I hated the newborn phase and feel like I barely survived; Could I do that again with a toddler in tow? So far, there’s been no breakdown when my body has failed yet again.

Has my body finally succeeded? Or is it tricking me? Is my body trying to break me like it did for three years solid? Maybe if I had marked last month in my diary things would be much clearer now. If my body is tricking me right now, will that much feared breakdown occur? Or will I just brush it off because I no longer feel like a failure every month? How can my world come to an end when my period starts when my world is my son?

This is just my body stressing me out on purpose, isn’t it? Making me worry over nothing? Making me think about all of the newborn hell so much and wishing it could have been different for those first 3 or 4 months. I’m not the cliché, am I?

~ Persephone M

My New Blog

After the reveal of my IUI working, I have started a new blog to keep all pregnancy related things separate from this blog. Here is the introduction.

I don’t know how active I’ll remain on this blog, or how much I’ll actually blog on the other, it’s just important to me to keep them separate.

I’ll still keep reading the other TTC blogs out there, as I still consider myself infertile – or at least not easily fertile – and I wish my luck to every one that has ever read this blog and is still on their journey!

~ Persephone M