Posts Tagged ‘ Frustration ’

Perils Of Facebook: Part Two

So, I’ve already said about how it frustrates me when people put certain child related statuses on facebook, namely ones where they look down upon other people — especially when it comes to them having children and my apparent inability to have them through no fault of my own.

I also hate when people announce things (and there’s no way I limit it to just pregnancy announcements). I’ve discovered that family members of friends have died through a status. I’ve learnt what happens every single second of someone’s life through statuses.

Even better, today I learnt that a friend was worried about another friend who had “vanished” and they were calling for help. Don’t be too shocked or concerned, before I read it there’d already been an update of having found them.

The thing is that it absolutely reeks of hypocrisy. I try to not get too personal or public on this blog when it comes to real life people. Friends and family, no matter how much you love them, annoy you and using any public forum is a recipe for disaster. I will, however, write poetry and then post it and I can only hope its’s vague enough that no one takes huge offence.

Today has been the final straw. And it has nothing to do with fertility problems or trying to conceive. It’s simply an inadequate friend. I could dwell on the fact that this friend failed to respond when I told them I was out of hospital. Isn’t that nice and caring? But the final straw came when, as I said, their status involved them worrying for another person after not hearing from them for a few days.

All I can say is, few days? I constantly spend a few days not hearing from the very same friend. She vanishes off the face of the planet for days, if not weeks. She bails at the last minute. She forgets to reply and then apologises about it. She constantly lets me down and always uses the same reasons which were possibly valid seven years ago. How dare she announce that she’s worried for someone when she’s put me in the exact same situation?

I’ve lost count of the amount of time I’ve worried about her because I haven’t heard from her and yet will see something random on facebook from her. And it isn’t because she gets busy and forgets. It’s because she vanishes, because she has a bad day/week/mood, because she gets down due to a medical condition, because she chooses to. I try my hardest to sympathise with her for her illness, but after seven plus years of her inability to listen to any doctor it becomes difficult for me.

What I do find hard is when her mood damages our friendship. Or when I come out of hospital and don’t hear a thing from her. Or when I spend days of my life worrying about her when she doesn’t have any regard for how it affects her friends despite others doing the same to her. Or perhaps her worrying over this friend will make her stop doing things that worry her own friends. Sadly after all these years, I don’t think she can change and become the friend I once had.

~ Persephone M


The Perils of Facebook

I read a friend’s blog earlier about being on facebook and reading pregnancy annoucements and it got me to thinking about what I actually hate more.

Luckily, I think I only ever suffered one facebook announcement and it was from a step-in-law. I deleted them — take note anyone who’s on my list! My bigger problem with facebook is those that seem to think that they’re better or to just simply not think about other people.

I guess this is all being stirred up because tomorrow is Mothering Sunday and I’m awaiting all sorts of things on my facebook feed.

Ages ago, someone I consider a very good friend put one of those forward statement things in their status. You know, the “re-post if you agree” ones. And, I can’t remember the ins and outs, but it essentially said that she’d given up so much for her children because she wasn’t selfish. There was a line that said she’d traded her designer bag for nappy bags and washed, clean hair for dirty or something. It was all stuff that she’d traded for the sake of her children.

It was incredibly insensitive. I fully appreciate that there are women who decide to not have children. It doesn’t make them selfish, less self-less or wrong. It’s their choice and I’m sure they don’t look down upon mothers for the choices they made. So why should a mother look down upon a woman who chooses to not have children?

What about the women who desperately want children but can’t have them? So they still get to have designer bags and super-styled hair, when they would give up anything to have nappy bags, sleepless nights and vomit in their hair. Or they aren’t “lucky” enough to have designer bags because they’ve spent all their money on IVF?

Should a mother look down upon women like that? Should someone who’s chosen to not have children look down upon women that can’t?

I guess the question is: Should a person put that as their status when they’re the shoulder to cry on for someone who has fertility problems?

~ Persephone M

Sunday Omnibus: 29th January

It’s been a weird week; this blog already contains the evidence of that. So, I’m going to gloss straight over the beginning of the week.

My week’s been okay. I’ve still been quite lax when it comes to this blog, but I have been pretty much non-stop writing. I read an amazing blog which has inspired me to work on my original writing a lot more and I set myself the goal to spend one day of each weekend working on a novella I’m on the third draft of with the aim to start posting it in February.

Yeah, well, I spent the day writing other stuff! I am going to work on my novella. When I looked at it late last year (I started it on February 14th) I added in a wealth of new scenes and honestly do think that it won’t take much to get it presentable. Perhaps February was a bit too optimistic, but I created this blog to share my creativity.

Which I do do. This blog began as purely poetry with the aims to put the novella and anything else I wrote on here. That was April and in August it evolved into including my photography. There’s still been no crumb of fiction writing. And I need something to keep my brain consumed.

So, that’s what I have planned for the near future, the only issue is if I continue on in my passion for the other writing which I post under a different persona. I am addicted to it. Cannot stop. Not sure how to. I kinda don’t want to, apart from I feel I should work on my novella.

There’s also the fosters who still end up taking up more time than they perhaps should. The three year old is fully settled back in – the temper tantrums, the inability to stay in bed all night long, the desire to always have their own way! The four year old…

Oh, dear, the four year old. What can I say? Perhaps a reaction to staying in respite for a week, but the already badly behaved one is now worse and I honestly didn’t think it could become worse. Every room in the house except for my bedroom and living room has been wet in by the 4 year old. And when questioned as to why they wet themselves the answer is always: Because I did.

This week has escalated into lies about who has wet when there is only one possibility. It has evolved into pooing themselves at school. They even went as far as to rifle through my mother’s belongings and ripped up her diary. Five seconds after being told off and the foster screaming in tears, it’s all laughter again and they don’t care.

The four year old has no love for anything. You can remove any toy or priviledge from her as a consequence, but they don’t care. Within minutes it’s forgotten.

They’ve only been back a week and my mum’s exhausted. I’ve got some property stuff to deal with over the next few weeks and am concerned that I won’t be able to help out as much.

It was the cutest thing today though, randomly I asked the three year old if they’re broken. No, shake of the head. Then, because they have a fascination with punishing their older sibling, I asked if they were a sadist. Nodding of the head. Are you a masochist?

Taking the room by complete surprise the three year old kissed me for no reason until I realised: maso-kissed. So cute.

Despite now having Tivo (yeah, baby!), I best go – Dancing on Ice: Duel Night is on!

Hope everyone else’s week was fun, here’s to another one!

~ Persephone M

Emotionally Dead Today

Quite surprisingly this is not going to be as negative a post as it usually, normally, could be. You see, I failed again this month. Except I didn’t break down and don’t actually feel like a failure.

Normally, as has been becoming the norm, the moment I get a hint of starting my period I have a huge giant emotional breakdown. I sometimes worry that I’m crazy. Hormones are weird and wonderful things, and for that day or two, my hormones completely rule me.

There’s scientific evidence pointing to just after ovulation when, I think it’s oestrogen, drops quite suddenly there can be an almost withdrawal like feeling in the woman. I’m not trying to say that everything a woman does can be blamed on hormones, but sometimes they do play a significant effect.

This month, it didn’t happen. I didn’t fall apart. I didn’t become a huge red ball of tears and sobs.

I got a bit angry. I was certainly disappointed, but I wasn’t distraught. Am I learning to cope with it? Have I given up? Maybe it was just because it’s been so busy recently that I didn’t have the time or energy to break down.

I don’t want to get used to being unsuccessful. I don’t want to resign myself to a fate that I don’t want. I don’t want to stop caring, to develop some hardened shell where these things don’t affect me anymore. I’m still not sure if it was a good or bad thing that on the same day where normally I would become a hysterical mess, I was with friends and all of their young children. How could I have been around children, on the worst day of the month and not shed a tear?

Possibly more frustrating is the fact that I know for definite that I did everything right and at the right times this month, yet still nothing.

New Year, new tests!

~ Persephone M

I’m Afraid of You

I stumbled across a blog  today and I thought it was amazingly written and a topic incredibly close to me. I can only hope that one day my dreams come true as hers did.

But it really got me thinking about how I live in fear. I’ve recognised the feeling of disappointment, hope, failure, frustration and anger, but never fear.

There’s the fear for the week or so before a period is due that there will be a period.

The fear of how I will react to it.

The fear of growing yet another month older, wasting another month’s resources.

The fear of failing and having no point to my life.

The fear that at some point a test will tell me that it’s my fault and that my own self-blame will destroy my marriage.

The fear of being the only one of my set of cousins to not have a child – so far there are only two with children, three without (all younger than me) and me – to not continue my side of the family.

The fear of alienating my family because it pains me to see them with their children at family get togethers and that at the last family party, it was my husband who fibbed to my family when they asked. Okay, he out and out lied to them.

The fear of my husband and I being the only one of all of his siblings (three brothers and three sisters – only three don’t have children and one is barely legal to even have sex) to not produce grand-children for his parents.

The fear of preventing my mum from ever being a Grand-parent.

The fear of losing friends if they become pregnant because I can’t control the bitterness that is increasing within me, and because they’re younger than me, or not married, or not even trying it just doesn’t seem fair.

It’s over a year ago now, but 2010 seemed to be the year for pregnancies. Facebook announced that a cousin-in-law was pregnant. Two women I work with announced their pregnancies whilst my workplace actually had the greatest number of maternity leave cover in recent years. A cousin who once told me that she never ever wanted children, got pregnant. Two friends gave birth to their children. Another friend sent me an email after being off the grid for months with the news that she had a two-month old son – a very troubled pregnancy had caused her to not tell anyone she didn’t have to. She was so apologetic to me when I met her son for the first time and I told her of my problems.

What did I do?

I deleted the cousin-in-law. I struggled with the cousin. And still do. I don’t ever speak to the women at work about their children. My friend who had the troubled pregnancy, I barely see her because of location, but she fought for her child having been told that due to medication she’d been on her entire life, she’d never have children. She got pregnant first time. And my other two friends, well, one works a lot, but the other lives very close to me and I love her child to bits.

I live in fear of someone younger than me having a child. To the point that someone warned me that a mutual acquaintance was trying and I almost literally burst into tears on the spot. At work. I’m going to try and keep in mind some of the comments from the blog entry I found and possibly highlight them to any real world people I know that manage to get pregnant before me to the extent that I am going to publicise this post on my facebook account (wish me luck)! The two key ones I found were:

Maybe that’s selfish and maybe that’s not fair–but your friend is hurting and you are the one with the good news–that’s just how it needs to be right now. One day, when the tables are turned for whatever reason, it might be you who needs to be a little bit selfish.

Never forget, your friend wants to be over-the-moon happy for you. She wants to be able to smile and come along for the ride. No one wants to feel bitter and jealous and hopeless. This isn’t a choice.

I have to admit that it never occured to me that for everyone I feel jealous over or need to remove myself from, could one day feel jealous or need to be selfish towards me one day. And I don’t want to feel bitter, jealous, hopeless or afraid.

I don’t want more aspects of life to be altered by simply trying to do what everyone was created for. As I said in an earlier post, I’ve already upset friends by putting days of the month ahead of nights out and meet-ups, but this is affecting my whole life now.

Back to crossing my fingers and being filled with fear because it’s all over again for this month!

~ Persephone M