Posts Tagged ‘ Four ’

Do You?

Do you feel the same?
Do you feel as I do, as he did?
Will you be like him?
Will this be the making?
What could we do now?
What changes could we make?
Who will she become? Him, you, me?
Who does he look down upon?
Is he guarding, like an angel?
Is he regretful? Is that in our tea?
Where have these roads taken us?
Where will it take the next generation?
Can history be avoided?
Can it be more than ignored?
Why is simple not so?
Why do I care to cry?

(C) Persephone M 18th February 2014

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Lost Friendships

First of all, I’m doing this by email and have no idea how it’s going to turn out, but apparently I can’t access my blog on my new/old desktop PC.

So, I’ve been feeling a bit… worthless. It’s just the mood I’m in and I know it’ll pass, but, honestly, at the moment I feel like everyone surpasses me, that there is no point for my existence.

I’m starting to feel better. And I know I will, maybe just in a few more days. Anyway, earlier on I was emailing a friend and telling her about my apparent worthlessness and then I got onto the subject of a very old, and forgotten, friend and I started to wonder if some of my current down-ness is because of someone I once knew.

There’s poetry on here about it – the time period of my life and the person (or people) in question. I think if you click on the tag “4” it should include some of them. Not sure of the others and I can’t check either! Silly desktop PC. It was ten years ago this year that everything in my life truly did go wrong, the time when if there ever was a time in my life where I was useless it was then.

It all began and in some ways culminated in 2002, with some things trailing into 2004. But by ’04 that entire period in my life was over and complete for good. She was my best friend. She isn’t anymore.

The issues between us (I don’t really know what happened. I remember feeling unhappy, angry, incredibly sad. I remember all of this being directed at her. But I think it might have just been us both growing up and, inevitably, apart. I don’t think I ever hated her. I certainly don’t hate her anymore.) have caused immense strain on other friendships.

Over the past 8-10 years I’ve avoided one friend’s birthdays and other gatherings because of the thought of the ex-friend being there. It doesn’t make me proud. The thing is, I think people think that I avoided my ex-friend, and by default my amazing other friend’s events because I hated the ex-friend. Or because I was still angry about the year in which I felt abandoned. It’s my amazing friend’s birthday soon and the ex-friend will be there. I’m already nervous.

Not because I hate her guts and don’t want to see her let alone breathe the same air as her. Not because I’m scared that she’ll pick a fight with me (I’m surprisingly unconfrontational with most people). What I don’t think anyone knows is the real reason why I’ve avoided her, why I get nervous about the thought of seeing her, why (in the past) I’ve boasted about my life on the rare occasions that I’ve been in her presence.

I miss her.

For over three years, my ex-friend was my best friend. We shared interests, we spent random hours randomly talking about rubbish or in silence just enjoying each other’s company. We held similar views and it’s sad that she’s not in my life anymore.

I have some amazing friends right now, four or five girls that I would turn to in any situation and would put my life in their hands. But none of them are my ex-friend. No one is my best friend. The ex-friend still holds that title.

And it hurts.

She’s the ex that I never got over and, just as with an ex, I don’t want her to know that I miss her, that I still need our friendship. I spent years trying to come to terms with events of 2002-2004 and of the 4 people I lost in the twelve month period ending in November 2003, she was the one who hurt the most and the longest.

To put this into perspective of quite how sad and pathetic I am, my father died in that 12 month period but losing my ex-friend hurt me more. Maybe it was because I didn’t see her leaving me, I knew my father would. Maybe it was because I thought my best friend would be just that for the rest of my life, unfortunately parents aren’t supposed to be in your life forever. Maybe it’s simply because as far as I really remember she chose to leave my life, my father never did.

Maybe it was because the majority of friends I had at the time, that I would have classed as joint friends, sided with her. Now, as far as I know we never argued so it wasn’t as if people sided with her because I was in the wrong. There are some things that I did in retaliation which might cause people to side with the ex-friend, but I never told my side. Throught out the years when it was happening and still raw, I never spoke to any mutual friend about she and I. At the time, we had been together at school, college and university so all of my friends were hers. But it was the newer ones that vanished from my life overnight and I have no idea as to the true, real reason. Eventually I did speak to two friends who had actually known her longer, but it was only because I needed to see if they saw it too. They didn’t at the time, but later it happened to them – she abandoned them, too.

It was those newer friends though, that stopped being my friend just because she and I had grown apart, that I actually wouldn’t give the time of day to now. They chose to side with her, to end a friendship with me but continue it with her. Perhaps they were lied to, perhaps they never liked me, perhaps they were young, too, and made a decision. Funny how years later, I can’t seem to remember the exact details of what happened with the ex-friend, but I can remember how those girls stopped being my friends. I miss her, and it hurts. I would still forgive the years and have my best friend back. I could never be more than passing acquaintances with them.

So, at my friend’s birthday soon, I will come face to face with someone I still wish I had and I there’s nothing I can do about it. Time most certainly hasn’t healed my heart. I have come to terms with it a bit more, but I think I just needed to admit to the entire world why I’m anxious about a party. I needed to clarify that it isn’t because I’m full of hate and bile. I needed to admit the truth.

I have to say that I’m hoping by admitting something that’s been niggling at me for, I don’t know how long, it might actually help my apprehension over my amazing friend’s upcoming birthday and might help lift my worthless mood.

I still just don’t have the answer though: How do you get over your best friend?

~ Persephone M
P.S. Apologies again for any formatting issues. Sent by email!

Boomerang of Thoughts

I was in your net, fighting for air,
With each struggle brambles cut,
And ripped through to my core.
Scarred and bleeding, you set me free,
Left me to flounder and to die in the sea.
Yet I survived, strengthened,
Once out of your clutches.
My roots grew strong and free of the thicket.
Shoals of fish swim by,
Following even to their death,
If you hadn’t have freed me,
You’d have taken my last breath.
I still see your face despite the wounds healing,
Once bitten, twice shy and I still guard my heart.
The autumnal tree loses leaves one by one,
Until Winter has come and they are all alone.
You were never a Saint,
Perhaps neither was I,
But there was more to my future
Than ever met your eye.
Live your life as you see fit,
But when Osiris weighs your heart,
Will you be as free and as happy,
As you helped to make me?

© Persephone M 20th November 2011

As part of Monday Memories, here is a relatively recent poem which I wrote during a train journey that felt as if I had travelled back more than ten years in time. I’ve done the exact journey many times after that time of my life finished, yet it was last month that the memories were more vivid than usual. Some of the station names are hidden in the verse, can you spot them?

Love,

~ Persephone M

Christmas Spirit – Poem

It’s fast approaching that magical, once of a kind time of year,
Yet I am feeling a serious lack of festive, merry cheer.
Normally, I jump up, lead an army and march on through,
Yet this year, through bad spirits, my army is too few.
Consisting of people who bumble through the same day,
As if there’s nothing special and there’s no magic on the sleigh.

The mantle has fallen to me, to make the time come alive,
But with Scrooges all around, how can my cheer survive?
Games and drinks, food plated up as all sit around the tree,
Is there much point of festive merriness when the army is but three?
Nine years ago, I sat with trepidation of what the day would bring,
With the breakdown of my family and the loss of my kin.

Once again, trepidation and fear fill me that my spirit is not enough,
That I can’t inspire two humbugs when they can call my threat’s bluff.
When I awaken early, ready to see what the reindeer’s have brought,
And am faced with those who’d rather present tallys nearer nought.
When I want the roast, the pudding, the drinks with all of the trimmings,
And their lack of desire will cause my eyes to start brimming.

Routine and custom is always a safety net there behind me,
Should I force and cajole, risking that either them or I could flee?
That one day, every year, is the most special, the most unique,
Yet my army are mutinying and declaring me for a freak.
And all my other dreams are fading fast into the dying day,
Yet all I want is childhood, laughter and a day to play.

© Persephone M 21st November 2011

Sweetness – New Poem

My sweet, sweet friend – I’m doing this for you,
With no bad bones, bad words, you are perfect true.
Hiding from conflict and covering your eyes,
I shall try with all my heart to surprise.
Do you know that pain that was caused to me?
And how I suffered all that time?
I yearned for their friendship and their forgiveness,
To be allowed back in and end all this mess,
But I didn’t want her, they would take nothing less.

My sweet, sweet little classic cute English pie,
Strive as I might, to avoid making you cry.
I tuck what I feel deep down far inside me,
Bury them far from the light of day.
I freely admit that I feel bitter,
And for you I bear through the pain.
I often wonder if you have made a guess,
And tried at all to see through my facial dress,
Behind which is fear, rejection and bitterness.

My sweet, sweet harmless purple sparkly fairy,
Do you know how your Days became so hairy?
I wish you could open up your sealed heart,
To allow me in and then share a part.
Allow me as close as they are to you,
Can you share your problems with me?
My stomach gurgles like a pit full of cess,
I am scared to attend, I’m far from fearless,
I will try with all I have to spare your sadness.

© Persephone M 28th March 2008.

This week’s Timeless Tuesday poem from three years ago and relating to matters existing years before that one.

Rejection – Poem

Sitting here, I try to type. Words fail me,
Through those who love and care, he has been found.
On this dark dank day like those years ago,
I try: my-dot-brother-at-kin-dot-com.
Why is it so hard to simply say “Hi”?
We alone share the pain: he equals me,
We struggled to be there for each other.
Despite our arthritis, no alliance,
We fell apart, so broken and alone.
Now there is a chance to welcome him home,
Calm and tranquil sea. Should I rock the boat?
Start a storm, gale force winds, rain pelting down,
Should I risk a stormy day, just to try?
And risk a rejection that makes me cry?

© March 2008

An older one for you all!

~ Persephone M

4 – Poem

One. October. The end of life.
Six month deadline, counting down to his death.
Prophesized, predicted, foreseen, foretold,
I coped, I dealt, got on, resolved it all.
It ate him: brains to lung to pancreas,
Taking him from me, leaving me half.
Irreplaceable. One of a kind. Mine.
Alone. Pain engulfing.
Been prepared. Shut the door.

Two. March. My half destroyed.
Through him, I had a distant half by blood.
With death, that half was all I had: Genetics.
Only way to share my only childhood.
My dealing, accepting. Her narrow sorrow,
He could not compete. He could not cope.
No fate, no fortune. I had not foreseen.
He left. I had no half.
No pain or hatred. Just shame.

Three. July. Second life stone.
After the pain, still raw and fresh,
He ups and leaves out of the blu.
Should have seen it, breathe revealed.
My huge party, all eyes on me,
My life changed in so many ways.
I should have realised, pre-empted.
He broke me with harsh words: Goodbye,
A Slightly Malevolent Spirit tore my heart.
How harsh? How cruel?
Three down, one to go.

Four. October. Three-Sixty.
We’d drifted, crests parting us through the years.
She had changed for the worse. From man to ape.
Amidst the pain of men, she broke me hardest.
The pain surpassed the rest. Everlasting.
Misunderstandings. Natural progression.
Two tree branches, spreading further apart.
From the sky ice cold and mass extinction.
With our death, they all leave.
I am the cold blooded.

As I called in 2004, put the worst twelve behind.
As eight rolls on, pain, hatred, sadness, jealousy,
Eat me alive.
I can’t forgive. I can’t forget.
Four loves. Four corners. Four basics. Four elements.
All gone.
© PersephoneM 2008

In section three, there is not a spelling mistake or typo on line 3.

This fits in perfectly with last night’s blog! I’m still full of guilt and shame over forgetting.