Posts Tagged ‘ Fear ’

Conveyor Stuck in Reverse – Poem

Some say there’s a tunnel at the junction, with a light at the end,
I can see my light, but it’s not death’s door, it’s of life waiting.
Desperately, I run for it before the candle’s wick burns out,
Tunnel vision hones in on the smallest flicker, hoping for no tear,
Or breeze, no drop of rain.
On a conveyor stuck in reverse, the game’s rigged,
To keep my life dark.
Desperately, I try, I run, trying to beat this wicked racing game,
Diversions on the left, blind bends on the right, my focus is fading.
And then I’m falling faster than gravity demands,
Desperately, I reach behind, something in my past as an anchor.
I fall.

© Persephone M 23rd December 2011.

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CD20 – 6 Days Post IUI

Day 20 and 6 days since the IUI(aka 6dpiui) but I don’t love all the abbreviations on this journey. I’m feeling ok. Haven’t gone crazy in the past week. There’s still time.

I’ve had odd and random stomach twinges, some which feel like the discomfort I had leading up to the ovulation. Which is odd. I also had a day with really bad discharge and I’ve still had weird hot flushes.

I want to say that I’ve been logical and calm; on the surface I have been. But I know that deep down I don’t fully believe myself. This is where I start to think I’m an idiot, that I’m stupid and naive, foolish and just well really the stupidest person on the planet.

Take the past week and how I’ve explained everything away. The heat and pains (more discomfort than actual pain) it’s because of the hormones I was injecting. Even more than those things I now have 3 corpus luteums (after the follicle releases its egg it becomes known as the corpus luteum) releasing progesterone rather than the usual monthly one. And progesterone is what causes the temperature rise post ovulation and through any potential pregnancy.

The weird discharge was because my cervical mucus was pierced and there’s always a risk of infection. Its passed now but clearly my mucus may have been responding.

So I have all the logical reasoning that the IUI hasn’t worked, but no matter how logical, how clever or how rational I can be there’s always something more powerful.

Hope.

No matter what scientific reasons I can reason everything away with, I still have hope.

Stupid, illogical, heartbreaking, pain causing hope.

And I hate it. Because other than the signs mentioned, there’s been no other possible symptoms of a pregnancy, which I keep telling myself is because its too early, but that’s where fear comes into it.

Fear that no matter how logical I can be saying that there’s still time, that it’s too early to know, fear makes me doubt everything.

Fear and hope, I hate them both, two sides of the same coin where only one can win. I have another week of being Schroedinger’s cat.

~ Persephone M

CD15 – The Procedure

So onto day 15 and reflections on the insemination yesterday. We got to the hospital for 9am and were in a coffee shop by quarter to ten where I enjoyed some decaff tea whilst the hubby made some work based phonecalls and then we headed back to collect his sample. There was a bit of a wait even though they only deal with one sample at a time (to avoid mix ups) and we checked out the form of signatures which follow the sample from container to container being witnessed (again to ensure no mix ups). I can understand why it takes over 2 hours.

The biomedical scientist checked my hubby’s ID and then handed the sample over to me so I could pop the pink nutrient loaded sample into my bra to keep it warm and she informed us that the sample was well over the minimum levels for having the IUI.

Heading straight to the fertility center there was a bit of a wait for the consultant which did make me pretty anxious but I eventually calmed when I realised that having the head guy doing it is an advantage. All of the IUI scans and meetings have been with the fertility nurse, the same nurse so there’s a good little relationship that forms. From that point of view, having the consultant do the insemination (when the nurse would if she weren’t on her summer holidays) is odd, but even if the nurse does the IUI more frequently the doctor must be the more skilled.

So we went into the room together with the doctor and I got myself ready on the bed. Funniest thing, or most embarrasing, the doc told me he needed a sample from me and I got all confused thinking he meant some form of swab or blood. He meant my hubby’s sample of course but I sat there all dumb and stupid until hubby realised I was confused and stupid.

Then we were back on track and the procedure started.

I didn’t like the speculum although it was better than a smear.

I didn’t like the saline swabs of my cervix. Honestly weirder than a smear.

Then the catheter was inserted and the speculum removed. Then the pink sample is slowly injected. Personally, I had mild cramps which stopped once the catheter was in.

After all of the sample was in and the doctor had removed all the equipment from me, he left us in the room for as long as we wanted. Instructed to remain lying down for 10-15 mins, we waited a bit longer than that. Despite the doctor saying that there may be some leakage once you get up and plenty online saying the sperm cannot leak out, any wetness is mucus, I was (and still am) convinced that it was all the sperm. I was so convinced lying half naked on the hospital bed that I burst into tears. It was more the emotions of all of this because I’m still sure that some of the leakage was sperm. I’m being overly negative and super cautious because I cannot get my hopes up. I cannot think too much on the positive during this 2ww, I cannot hope too much, I have to keep level headed and err more on the side of caution

But that was it, treatment over, and we were informed to take a pregnancy test 16 days later even if I believe I’m having a period. Now it’s just the long wait. I’m paranoid about walking too fast to work, eating the wrong foods and making some huge mistake that stops this from working.

You see, the doctor said that I couldn’t have responded any better to the drugs and that hubby was within good parameters so what does that mean if this fails again? Especially as I had a discomfort in my groin the day before and of the IUI so I know I ovulated at the right time, at least in the appropriate window, but still, what does it mean if it still doesn’t work?

~ Persephone M

CD14

I am a bit behind. Blame a weird bad back and bout of insomnia but nonetheless I haven’t found this cycle all that difficult. I think I was expecting major hormone imbalances but I’m not even bloated. It’s one of the reasons that I avoid reading things online -I don’t want to hear how it affects everyone slse because either it’ll make me get the same or I’ll panic its not working if I don’t get them.

I’ve read that people cry constantly on clomid. Nope. Or completely break out. Nope. People get pain injecting ovitrelle. Nope. Or pain on ovulation. Not really.

Hubby and I had originally said that we’d do 3 IUIs maximum depending on how it all affects me. Well, we’re both in agreement that, hormonally at least, I’d do this again. We haven’t done the dreaded 2 week wait or dealt with the epic fail if this doesn’t work. That might change everything.

Today should be the start of the 2ww; just over an hour before our day at the hospital starts.

But first perhaps a quick catch up.

Day 9 and another follicular scan where the nurse who had already halved the dose of puregon/FSH, told me to alternate days. So there was no injection. Woo! Although that did then start the worries.

I worried that I could ovulate early (nurse said you can’t because of all the drugs in your system). I worried about any sort of withdrawal (didn’t happen as far as I know). I worried that the FSH would still somehow manage to stimulate the smaller follicles and let the bigger ones falter (according to day 11s scan that didn’t happen).

I mean I didn’t worry too much, just the questions went through my mind. I tried googling it and didn’t find anything that calmed me or made me worry more. Which is always a good thing.

Day 10 I  quickly developed a pain in my lower back that certainly felt muscular but had me ask my GP just to be on the safe side. He said it didn’t sound like OHSS or anything IUI related and that I should be fine to check with the fertility nurse on day 11. My back got worse, definately a pulled muscle right at the bottom of my back. It hurt to stand, to sit and to lie down so I didn’t sleep and went into day 11s scan in pain. I also took what would turn out to be the last FSH shot of this IUI

Day 11 and my back felt a bit better but the lack of sleep and slow walking caused me to have to call in sick. I probably could have gone to work, unable to do any of the manual side of my job and sitting in an uncomfortable chair (not that any chair was comfortable). I’m sorry but I’m just not happy to put extra stress on myself this month. Luckily my bosses are pretty understanding.

I got the bus to the hospital which from home I don’t usually do but I could not walk that far. I got there really early and sat watching as another couple went in for their first scan of a cycle. I’ve no idea if it was their first cycle but they’re still my potential week away mirrors, wondering if either of us will have this cycle work, wondering if we’ll see each other again at scans or classes or the maternity ward. Or the next time we both do this again because there are no guarantees for anyone.

My final follicular scan, which, by the way, is done from an ultrasound internally and not on top of your belly like pregnancy ultrasounds, showed three were ready and that my uterus lining was thick enough. The guidelines in my local NHS trust is to have ovitrelle (ovulation stimulator) 36 hours before the planned insemination. It was decided and booked in for us to have the insemination on day 14 at 11am (day 14 or 12 is my usual ovulation day) so 36 hours before that – day 12 10pm – I give myself the biggest injection of all.

The nurse had told me that everyone gets the same amount of ovitrelle no matter how well they respond to the other hormones (she was very pleased with how little puregon/FSH I’d needed). She also warned me that because its far more liquid than any of the puregon injections it can sting more.

I spent day 12 relatively calm and enjoying the weather but then completely freaked when it came to taking my injection. I’d found the puregon pen odd when injecting because it clicks back down each stop. Syringes, needles and pipettes I’m used to are fluid in their motion and not clicky so I, personally didn’t like it. I was worried because the ovitrelle pen is far more liquid with far more clicks. So I sat there panicking that it was going to sting more, that there was a greater risk of “suck back” (releasing the plunger while in you and sucking your insides out) and that then I’d have huge amounts of hCG in my system.

Finally I plucked up the courage to pinch my inch beneath the belly button and put the needle in. And I encountered the first real problem. The needle was thicker than all those used on the puregon pen. It was harder to put into me. The puregon needles slipped in but the ovitrelle needle was tougher. Or my skin had toughened up!

Then I start pressing the plunger and panic over because it wasn’t as clicky as the puregon pen; it slid down and the drug slipped in. It was fine. With no stinging either!

I counted to ten with the needle still in and plunger depressed (same as with the puregon pen) before pulling it out. The needle was tougher to get in me and it was tougher to get out too which was the last straw for me. Feeling it was different and seeing my skin looked different I panicked and started crying before seeing there was a drip of fluid on the tip of the needle and two lines of blood across my tummy near the site.

I just sobbed as my husband put a tissue to my site, freaking that the blood lines were underneath the skin showing the route of the drug and that a tiny drop of the drug was not inside me. Probably it was just the emotions of all of this, the fear that it still might not work, that my body just might be able to get pregnant because one drop of the liquid will be much and the blood wiped off so wasn’t some sign of internal bleeding although I still don’t know where it came from.

It didn’t take long for me to stop crying and then the insomnia started.

I didn’t sleep at all, all night long. It was awful. But I tried to keep calm so my body didn’t get all stressed. There’s all far too much to think could go wrong, any small thing that I do could stop this all from working.

And now I have to wait for the insemination part!

I vaguely remember when sex used to be fun.

~ Persephone M

Ten Day You Challenge – Eight Fears

After Ten Secrets and Nine Loves, now for eight fears from the ten day “You” challenge:

  1. I fear being alone, growing old alone.
  2. I am afraid of spiders.
  3. During take off on a plane, I get scared.
  4. I have the most irrational, crazy fear of zombies and would kill myself outright should zombies take over.
  5. I fear my external hard drive breaking and losing every single photo I’ve ever taken.
  6. I fear being forgotten.
  7. I fear getting older.
  8. I fear doing everything wrong.

Next up is Seven Wants

~ Persephone M

CD7: Lowering The Dose, And One Week To Go

Apologies for the delay in these posts. I’ve been without internet access for over a week, but will resume the posts now. Especially as I have a new computer at work which finally lets me back into this site! Thank you to all of you that have commented or are just simply reading this current journey! PMx

I had my second scan today, to check the follicle growth. The nurse seemed to point out five, some of which at about 10mm. She was so impressed with the size and number that she’s decreased my puregon dose to 25UI from 50. Hopefully this means only using one cartridge of it, saving myself over £90!

It was so odd because it’s the summer holidays here (at least at the point this is all really happening, not when I’m posting it), so during the day there are families and kids everywhere. I don’t normally notice, but because I’ve got these hospital appointments I was on a bus at lunchtime trekking all the way up to the hospital. And there were families everywhere.

Okay, actually there were loads of mothers with young kids or pregnant, perfect hair, long fake nails and surrounded my cigarette smoke. But the point is not that they might all be chavvy, no the point is that they’re everywhere. Now, I know that this is simply because it’s the school holidays (not just because they’re all unemployed), but I did sit on the bus on my way to the appointment constantly thinking “Why are they everywhere?”

I think part of it was I was quite paranoid that the drugs weren’t working. I’d had no real side effects, so why should they be working? But then the scan showed they are growing. Whether that calmed me or I just ignored everything after that, I don’t fully know, but I didn’t notice them. It was no where like my usual “hatred” of all people with children. Just a glitch. Although I would like to point out that I don’t actually hate people who have children.

It’s just how the jealousy and envy comes out. Isn’t that just a very female thing though? When a girl doesn’t understand something, or envies something/someone, the bitch comes out!

But I put my bitch away.

What did really surprise me was that the nurse gave me the print out of the ultrasound. Before coming clean and posting this I’ll try and get my scanner to work so I can show them. It’s like, if this works, I can tell a future child that the DNA they got from me was one of these and show them the pictures. Not many parents can do that, can they? It’s also good because hubby couldn’t come to all the scans (no real point) and he did remark that he wanted to watch the follicles grow. Soppy sod!

I have to admit (call me naive, stupid, whatever), I like the fact that I can chronicle every single day; that, if this works and I get pregnant, I’ll be able to chronicle every single step. Not many parents can say that. I do know that it’s a long way off yet. It’s a week until the “usual” ovulation day and then it would be two weeks until any test said it worked.

And even a positive pregnancy test doesn’t mark the happy ending. It’s only this very week that Gary Barlow and his wife suffered their unimaginable loss so, no, a positive test is not the “end”.

~ Persephone M

Poem: Misguided Sense

Silence fills around, deafening those few left as eyes see only
The glistening reflection of someone no longer there

Their words echoe across the void bouncing from tongue
To tongue as the only ears that matter drowns them out

Smiling lips dripping blood red tears down a chin are hidden from
Pryings coated in layer upon layer of brown poison

Shrill warnings splinter the air piercing what remains
Of the familiar drum beat until nothing remains in the blank

What once was feared has now replaced all others
As the trusted confidant – loneliness

July 31st 2012

Note: I haven’t written any poetry (possibly anything actually aside odd blog entries) since April.

~ Persephone M