Posts Tagged ‘ Calm ’

A Realisation of Peace

I read a post a few weeks back by the Stork Whisperer and it really stuck in my mind. She’s on over 30 cycles, 33 she said, and she questioned how for all of those cycles she had questioned God and asked him to answer her prayers. It has become clear to her that He has been responding. Every cycle. And she seemed, in her blog, a bit despondent but perhaps realistic. She had no idea what the next step really is or how move on, maybe.

What I have taken from that, being on about 33 cycles (mine are all unassisted so far), is a realisation. Now it may only be a realisation until the inevitable hormonal drop, but right now it’s as if that blog helped me have an epiphany of sorts. It may not have been her intention, it may bring her no relief, but nonetheless her blog has helped me

I’m not overtly religious. I like to think that there’s something out there, but I have no idea what. I don’t pray. I like to think that,if there is someone in control, he’s already made the plan so there’s nothing to pray for. I guess it’s what others call fate.

My life and my future is all already decided and it hasn’t yet been time for me to have a child. Maybe it just is not in my future. Or maybe it is but it’s all already decided. The Stork’s realisation that God has been answering her pleas, just not with the answer she wanted, has made me realise that there is nothing I can do any differently; my fate and future is already decided.

So right now I feel calm, all epiphanised and relaxed, living my life without the overhanging feeling of failure and expectations.

But whether that feeling and peace will last, only the hormones can decide!

~ Persephone M

I Love Science

I’m not too sure when I fell in love with it, possibly somewhere in year 9 (age 13/14). At least I can remember my project book that I made all about the female reproductive system and it seems that since then, I had a fascination.

Some people consider the biological sciences to be the easier ones or far less interesting than the likes of chemistry or physics. I find it odd when people don’t love biology. But not all of that stupid plant rubbish. Even animal biology is only okay when it’s in a comparative way to humans (oh, the second year uni topic about chicken eggs and diving mammals!). I’m not sure why I never studied simple plain human physiology rather than the sister subject Biomedical Science. It would only really have meant a different third year at uni and I could have lost all of those pesky biochemistry modules.

Unfortunately, I was still convinced that I enjoyed biochemistry and even chemistry. But, no, my love of science is purely for the human physiology.

Why?

As I said, it was in year 9 when I did a project on the human female reproductive system and for some reason it all stuck with me. It’s why I now find it odd when I read others’ blogs with regards to trying to conceive, or when doctors explain everything to me in the simplest of terms. I simply think: how can someone not know their cycle?

After a few months of trying and getting nowhere, I didn’t jump online to learn how to time things, how to recognise the signs or learn about my body in greater detail. I was lucky to already know that information and simply had to pull it out of my mind. I think it’s why I get so frustrated and sink when day one comes back around. There is literally no more that I can do.

At the first appointment with the doctor, where he went over the procedures I can have to see if there’s anything wrong, his explanations of my body where met with nods from me, as I thought “I know this”. My husband, on the other hand, found it amazing and learnt what I’d been trying to tell him for months.

Even so, despite me understanding the hormones and recognising the dips and peaks, the withdrawal and the elation, I had never ever monitored my daily temperature. The thing I love about the female reproductive system is that, you can feel science happening. When you have that completely weepy, crash day, well that’s where your hormone levels have vanished with a click of the fingers and you’re almost in withdrawal from it. It’s the same with respiration or the circulatory system, you can feel the science. You can become your own test subject.

Just run a mile and your heart’s beating faster? That’s science.

Just recorded a drop in your basal temperature? That’s science.

This month, I started recording my morning temperatures. I haven’t been super regular about it, so I know I can’t depend on the results. As with any science experiment, the results need reproducing and then analysing. So when my temperature dropped the other day, near to the end of my cycle, I knew that I was going to have a period. Less than 24 hours later and my hypothesis was correct.

Did I breakdown? Did I feel like a failure?

No, I was prepared for it. When I recorded the drop, I knew there was a chance that it wasn’t reliable. I’d been awake on and off, my husband had already got up with a stomach bug (which I still seem to have avoided!), so there were enough variables that the reading wasn’t taken in the same circumstances as the others. However, I didn’t pin all my hopes on those few variables, on that slim chance. And with no other signs of either possibility, I remained calm.

If the next month provides good data then I can start depending on science, not hope to give me answers. It won’t affect my ability to conceive (I’ve always known where day 14 is), but it might help my ability to cope.

The only small problem is, I’ve always used science to explain my complete and utter breakdown once a month – of course I can’t control these tears, dear, it’s the hormones! Science says that my hormones have dropped (otherwise why the temperature drop?) and yet there is no breakdown. Perhaps it was never the hormones. Maybe, all along, it was my dependence on hope and putting my faith into it. Maybe, all along, it was my not knowing. Normally, I would not know it was day one until it hit me in the face. This time I was prepared.

And who can argue with science?

~ Persephone M

Calm Beginnings

Calm Beginnings by PersephoneM
Calm Beginnings, a photo by PersephoneM on Flickr.

Via Flickr:
A sunrise I caught the other morning. I love the fact that I was freezing my fingertips off taking this photo and others, yet this picture looks like it could be tropical.

I also thought it was fitting, after a weekend of stressful flat problems, I’m starting this week on a calmer note. Hopefully a warmer note, too!

Tsunami – Poem

As the waters recede rapidly,
A calm falls over the scene,
Not a birdsong or a dolphin call,
Is piercing the silent, salty air,
Revealing the smaller life,
The crabs and the baby fish,
All scuttling around for life,
Taking with it the grains of time,
Slowly, slowly, retreating reality.
And then…
The calm is broken,
The serene scene is shattered,
The peace is hacked to pieces,
Tumultuous churning invades it all,
Rising higher and higher, reaching,
Climbing up to the sky,
As blue meets blue,
Waves and waves,
Rolls and rolls,
All fighting their way to the top,
To the air and life.
Until…
Boom!
Crashing down on the peaceful shingle,
Destruction in its path,
Eardrums shatter,
Salt rains down death,
Forcing air from lungs,
And the feet from the ground,
Can you swim, it seems to echo,
Can you survive the plummeting?
Will you regain your balance?
Will you be whole when you do?
It’s too late now. Ha-ha!
An entire ecosystem destroyed,
Left in its beaten state until…
Only time can heal it.

© Persephone M 16th January 2012

A new poem in this new year!

~P x