Posts Tagged ‘ Blog ’

Poem: Summer

The leaves barely move as the gentle summer breeze whispers over them,
Still and quiet, non-existent.
Commuters bustle in, buzzing around, droning on, staring into space,
Barging past, knocking and jostling, pollen transfers and stems break,
Fallen to the floor in a disregarded heap, waiting for the next whisper to move them on.
Even as new flowers bud, new leaves sprout, every day simply passes by as the summer thunders do.
A life giving sun beats down, burns down upon the withered,
As bathers simply lie back, enjoying another’s Hell on Earth.
Routine as clockwork, bullets whoosh past in reality, normality,
A horrendous, inescapable normality.

Go on your day. Notice these things. Just once.

Notice me.

(C) Persephone M 12th July 2014

Please note that this poem was originally posted on my other blog: Persephone: Parent

Losing Track of Time

I guess I mean the title in two senses of the sentence, or for two different reasons.

It feels like I’ve lost track of time, the past year has flown by so fast that I truly wonder where some of it has gone, but I still know how long has passed and how long I have left until Elvis’ first birthday (15 days at time of typing). I met a mummy today who brought her 10 week old to a baby group. I have grey-tinted glasses and sat there wondering how on Earth she was functioning because I was no where near that together 40 weeks ago. Except I was at groups by that point, too, so I couldn’t be as un-functioning as I remember.

What I’ve truly lost track of is when I last had my period. According to my diary it was two months ago, but I know I had one last month, I just can’t remember when. Since my periods returned at 4 months post partum, I’ve only ever been two days late and I’m pretty sure that I’m passed that now. For when I guess I had my last period.

I don’t want to fall back into my old habits because, come on, I got my baby, I cannot freak out and have my world collapse every month that I fail to get pregnant because I have to look after him and, oh, yeah, I have him! I’m not even 100% sure I want a second right now. Maybe ever. Obviously, if it happens, it happens. I figure after being classified as having unexplained infertility, we’re risking  it every month but I still believe in my head that it won’t work. We’ll need a doctor and drugs again, if we choose to do that.

Yet I still have hope, I think, every month. Every month I wonder if it could be. Every month that I have no sign or symptom (because my cycle has changed since Elvis), I wonder if it means I could be. Every month I wonder if I could cope with a second, I hated the newborn phase and feel like I barely survived; Could I do that again with a toddler in tow? So far, there’s been no breakdown when my body has failed yet again.

Has my body finally succeeded? Or is it tricking me? Is my body trying to break me like it did for three years solid? Maybe if I had marked last month in my diary things would be much clearer now. If my body is tricking me right now, will that much feared breakdown occur? Or will I just brush it off because I no longer feel like a failure every month? How can my world come to an end when my period starts when my world is my son?

This is just my body stressing me out on purpose, isn’t it? Making me worry over nothing? Making me think about all of the newborn hell so much and wishing it could have been different for those first 3 or 4 months. I’m not the cliché, am I?

~ Persephone M

Reblog (Kinda): Will It Always Be

I wrote this earlier on for my newer blog, but I thought it also fit here, too. After-all this is where I started the TTC journey. I can’t say if it’s hormones, or just years of pain, but I seem to be unable to be 100% happy for anyone else. And it makes it difficult for them to be happy for me.

I still dread facebook, family phonecalls, people’s news. It really doesn’t seem to matter that I’m pretty much almost 9 months pregnant. I burst into tears at a friend’s untactful announcement – do people still need to be tactful around me now that I’ve succeeded in conceiving? I am no longer TTC, I’ve STC or MTC, with help, but I still feel like I’m TTC. I deleted the family member who got pregnant and announced it on facebook (even though I didn’t consider her important enough to tell other than by facebook), I still offer half-hearted congratulations to other family members when they get to have their second already.

One of my best-friends was due a few weeks after me (it took a while for me to come to terms with that, too, because it was so, so close to me and I think I figure after this long I wanted to be special, unique and alone), but now due to medical issues, she’s going to have to be induced a week before my EDD. There’s still a chance I can “beat” her, but that’s where my problem is: it isn’t a freaking race! Don’t get me wrong, I’m worried for her, but also pleased that she and baby seem to be okay. There are increased risks now for both of them, but the doctors are all aware.

I still have the nagging thought though: she’s going to beat me. She along with everyone else I know, is going to beat me. And I’m so close to ending three years of pain, but I really will get there last.

Except none of that really matters does it?

It doesn’t matter that she’s going to “beat” me, that I’m last, that other people get their first, second, third so easily without any of the pain I endured for three years. All that matters is that we all have healthy babies, and that we stay healthy, too.

This was the other blog I posted:

I’ve said before that I think I’ll always consider myself fertility challenged and that until I reach the elusive Other Side, I could end up right back in the Trenches with all those others TTC.

I’d like to think that, all being well with Elvis, if I ever wanted a second I’d never liken that inevitable heartache with the 3 years I suffered and what those still TTC their first go through. They’re sure to be similar, both wanting something far outside of your reach, but they’re also world’s apart.

With a little over 2 weeks until my EDD it’s still all so uncertain. I could still lose everything and have my desperate run for life be shot down at the final hurdle. I honestly thought things would get better, that I’d stop feeling like this when I got pregnant because I was/am lucky enough to have conceived with assistance. Naively I knew that I’d never stop feeling infertile but I hoped it’d feel better.

It doesn’t feel better.

Despite feeling a 37 week Elvis kicking me I still feel like crap when someone else gets pregnant, when someone else is lucky enough to skip over all the pain and heartache I went through. I don’t hate them, not like I used to, but I still can’t deal with them.

Will it always be like this? Or will Elvis heal it all? How can I stop all of this coming between me, my family and my friends?

And it does matter. To a small enough part of me, it does matter that I’m last. That this world is so unfair that it keeps reminding me of how unfair it is.

Desperately, I want to stop feeling like this, to stop resenting or hating, to stop comparing, to stop feeling like I’m still TTC. Deep down I’m still so petrified of ending up back where I started. I couldn’t keep on with the trying journey before I got accepted for IUI, and I won’t survive not finishing this successfully. Maybe it really is as simple as when I hold him, I’ll stop. Maybe that really is the only way to stop all of the pain and negativity that built up over 3 years.

~ Persephone M

My New Blog

After the reveal of my IUI working, I have started a new blog to keep all pregnancy related things separate from this blog. Here is the introduction.

I don’t know how active I’ll remain on this blog, or how much I’ll actually blog on the other, it’s just important to me to keep them separate.

I’ll still keep reading the other TTC blogs out there, as I still consider myself infertile – or at least not easily fertile – and I wish my luck to every one that has ever read this blog and is still on their journey!

~ Persephone M

My IUI Scans

On my first IUI journey, my blog has so far reached Cycle Day 15. The next post is CD20 and then it skips to the end of the dreaded 2WW. Before we get onto those last 2 entries, I wanted to share my IUI scans.

Whilst giving myself the injections, I had to be scanned every Monday, Wednesday and Thursday by internal ultrasound to check how many eggs were growing in each ovary. Too many eggs, and the dose would need to be cut. Too few, and the dose would be increased.

The images are from days 7 and 9 of the cycle (I seem to have lost the images from CD11 and there were no more after that). The scans also check your lining to make sure it’s thick enough for implantation, but they don’t give you images.

I remember thinking, when the nurse gave me these images, that if the IUI works these would be images of my part of them. One of these eggs measured could become my DNA half of a child. It’s an amazing thought.

CD7 One Egg CD7 One Egg CD9 One Egg CD9 One egg CD9 One Egg CD9 Two Eggs, One Measured CD9 Two Eggs One MeasuredThe first two scans are CD7, the rest CD9 and the final two scans are of the same two eggs, but different ones being measured – they need to be a certain size before they will ovulate. I guess to be technically accurate what is being measured and can be seen is the follicle, inside which is the egg. The eggs are not themselves as big as these show.

~ Persephone M

Ten Day You Challenge – Two Songs

Ten Secrets, Nine Loves, Eight Fears, Seven Wants, Six Places, Five Foods, Four Books, Three Films.

Now for two songs, both of which are guaranteed to get me up and dancing, or at least put a smile on my face. This is quite tricky because I love to sing (I can’t, but I love to try) and so many songs have important meanings for different reasons, but I will go with:

  1. When September Ends – Green Day. When it was released over here, my boyfriend of the time (now my husband) was in the Navy and stationed away. He was due home at the beginning of October, otherwise known as the end of September.
  2. I Touch Myself – The Divinyls. I have no idea how this became the song for me and one of my bestest friends, but somehow it did and we’d ring each other whilst out and sing it, we’d leave voicemails on my work phone when out together, we now text each other the words.

Final one: One Picture!

~ Persephone M

Stick Her with the Pointy End

DSC_0386 DSC_0393 DSC_0400Just three simple pictures of the needles I’ve been using, sorry, needle-pens. They didn’t hurt that much.

Honestly.

~ Persephone M