Archive for the ‘ Why on Wednesday ’ Category

Why? Making me feel bad.

Okay, so like, let’s pretend for a second, like, that I’m, like, totally still in school and totally young and, like, naive, and, well, yeah, like, why doesn’t she like me? Why does she treat me like this? How can I make her like me, or just talk to me?

Flashback to 15 years ago is over and back to today. Oh, wait, I still feel like that. So, yeah, I have this friend, who I’m still going to call her a friend, because unlike 15 years ago when the smallest disagreement led to being mortal enemies, just because someone upsets me, makes me feel rubbish and fails utterly to ever be there for me, doesn’t stop them being my friend.

Although perhaps it should.

This friend (because, hopefully, she will always be my friend) has a lot going on in her life, an awful lot. She doesn’t have the happiest of lives and there are times when her life is even more worse than normal for her. From her point of view, a bad day for her is every day and on a worse than normal day, she can’t leave the house. Or even live in her own house and she has to go stay with family.

Sadly, she’s been like this for years and I can’t see any light at the end of her proverbial tunnel. Let’s call her Zoe. Zoe vanishes from the planet, it seems, for weeks on end and churns out excuses as to why she can’t see you (or why she’s cancelling at the last bloody minute) as easy as it is to breathe. It’s frustrating.

Zoe’s almost patented the phrase “I’m not in the right head place” – it’s her excuse… sorry, reason for everything and, I’ll be honest, it gets on my nerves.

And that’s when I then feel bad. Because she is living a completely different life than I can even imagine and it’s incredibly hard for her. I’ve known Zoe since I was that fifteen year old girl who became mortal enemies with plenty of girls in an inner city all girls school. She was never one of my enemies then and will never become one now.

Then I think about all of the time I invest in her. I worry about her. I text her and wait for a reply, fearing when I don’t get one that she’s finally gone and walked in front of a train. I make plans to see her, rearranging my schedule for her, just to have her cancel at the last minute. I listen to her complain about her life, about how she’s always tired because she can’t sleep, but also because she’s been out all day socialising with all of her newer friends and how the doctors want her to do things that she doesn’t agree with – how about do it because they’re the doctors and know their job!

On so many occasions, Zoe and her parents have told me that I’m the only one who’s stuck by her through the past fifteen years. And I keep sticking by her.

And that’s when I feel bad again. That’s when I feel guilty that it all annoys me, because she has the ultimate excuse. She’s fragile – mentally and physically and I feel bad whenever I get upset with her, despite the fact that perhaps I’m allowed to be.

For three months, Zoe has no idea what I’ve been going through, if anything has happened with me. And I’m not being selfish because I try and ask her, the answer is “My head’s not right” or “I’m not well mentally” with no other explanation or chance to see her to try and find out, to try and help her.

Any relationship is built by all members of it, maintained by all members. No one-sided relationship can ever thrive and grow, or even exist in a heathly non-bunny boiler state. It doesn’t matter if it’s a romantic, platonic, familial relationship — effort is needed from all parties.

Zoe’s been vanished for over three months now. I’ve had the odd text reply with her patented phrase and nothing else and they’ve always been in response to a message I’ve sent first. Why do I have to keep making the effort? Why do I let her get away with making no effort? Why do I accept her excuses and let her treat me like nothing? Why do I put up with her new friends who look down at me because I’m not sensitive enough to her? Is that what she wants from me, the pandering that her newer friends give her because they haven’t been around for as long, gotten as tired of fighting a losing battle as I have?

Why do I feel like the most awful person in the world for even thinking these things?

Why do I feel so freaking bad no matter what I do?

~ Persephone M


Why? Turning on your phone…

Not to go on about it or anything, but I got back from holiday yesterday — what? You hadn’t heard! Where have you been hiding? — and it raised a few questions concerning mobile phones.

I’d already been thinking about it, I have the same thoughts on every flight I take, but it was only when my mum told me that she had no idea if I’d arrived on holiday safely or not because I didn’t text.

Why would I turn on my phone in Mexico whilst on holiday at all?

When I go to Europe, I do turn on my phone. I know that there are charges, but I’ve told myself that they can’t be much when I live in Europe. However, the charges from Mexico? Well, that’s a different continent and hemisphere so there’s no way I’m opening myself for the charges for receiving and sending messages. Maybe I should invest in one of these Smart phone thingies and use the wifi to access facebook et al.

But I don’t and I wanted two weeks of the television and new fancy cameras being the most technology I accessed. This is difficult for a girl who writes on her laptop alot. Except the husband did use the wifi to watch a football match on his ipod — only because the onsite sports bar weren’t showing it and I used the time to have a much needed nap.

My biggest “issue” surrounding phones on holidays is: Why turn it on so damn freaking soon?

By the time we landed in Mexico and got through customs, England was 6 hours ahead and it was the middle of the night back home so all those people on the coach to the hotel who forced me to endure the constant text alerts of “You’re now on XYZ network and messages will cost £ABC” were texting their loved ones to say they arrived safely on their tropical holiday and probably woke up whoever it was. And what did they say in their messages?

“Just landed. On way to hotel. Been raining. Sun’s setting.”

If they’d have waited for the morning, not only would their loved one have been up and having lunch, but they could have learnt about the tropical sunshine and first meal at the resort whilst they were suffering in the rain and cooking a sunday roast.

What is the urgency?

Or those people who simply must turn on their phone the instant the seatbelt light goes off in England despite the notices to not turn it on until they’re in the airport. Why? What is with the desire of breaking the rules? Why can’t some people go the length of the flight out of electronic contact with someone?

Then, in the passport check line back in England, where it clearly says no phones or cameras (I believe it’s for the security of the entire country not just to mess with your day), there’s some guy happily chatting on his phone. Why was he so willing to risk being shot or arrested? Probably to throw off suspicions of drug dealing or something. I’ve only turned my phone on once before I’ve been at baggage collection and that was because England didn’t want to let my husband (English from birth) back in the country and I was starting to panic.

Is it just me that’s so happy to be lost from the world for two weeks and one day?

If so, what is so wrong with that?

Why on Wednesday,

~PersephoneM x