Archive for the ‘ TTC ’ Category

Losing Track of Time

I guess I mean the title in two senses of the sentence, or for two different reasons.

It feels like I’ve lost track of time, the past year has flown by so fast that I truly wonder where some of it has gone, but I still know how long has passed and how long I have left until Elvis’ first birthday (15 days at time of typing). I met a mummy today who brought her 10 week old to a baby group. I have grey-tinted glasses and sat there wondering how on Earth she was functioning because I was no where near that together 40 weeks ago. Except I was at groups by that point, too, so I couldn’t be as un-functioning as I remember.

What I’ve truly lost track of is when I last had my period. According to my diary it was two months ago, but I know I had one last month, I just can’t remember when. Since my periods returned at 4 months post partum, I’ve only ever been two days late and I’m pretty sure that I’m passed that now. For when I guess I had my last period.

I don’t want to fall back into my old habits because, come on, I got my baby, I cannot freak out and have my world collapse every month that I fail to get pregnant because I have to look after him and, oh, yeah, I have him! I’m not even 100% sure I want a second right now. Maybe ever. Obviously, if it happens, it happens. I figure after being classified as having unexplained infertility, we’re risking  it every month but I still believe in my head that it won’t work. We’ll need a doctor and drugs again, if we choose to do that.

Yet I still have hope, I think, every month. Every month I wonder if it could be. Every month that I have no sign or symptom (because my cycle has changed since Elvis), I wonder if it means I could be. Every month I wonder if I could cope with a second, I hated the newborn phase and feel like I barely survived; Could I do that again with a toddler in tow? So far, there’s been no breakdown when my body has failed yet again.

Has my body finally succeeded? Or is it tricking me? Is my body trying to break me like it did for three years solid? Maybe if I had marked last month in my diary things would be much clearer now. If my body is tricking me right now, will that much feared breakdown occur? Or will I just brush it off because I no longer feel like a failure every month? How can my world come to an end when my period starts when my world is my son?

This is just my body stressing me out on purpose, isn’t it? Making me worry over nothing? Making me think about all of the newborn hell so much and wishing it could have been different for those first 3 or 4 months. I’m not the cliché, am I?

~ Persephone M

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I Hurt You/You Hurt Me

You’ll never know the pain you caused me,
How your words hit like thunder, shocking my heart,
Deafened and pained, the tears rained down my cheeks,
As the realisation hit me: I hurt you.

But then the thunder stole itself away, hidden but not forgotten,
As a new, sun-less day dawned upon me and me alone,
The joy dried up, the excitement evaporated as you did it once,
And did it twice: contradiction.

Placing all the others, every single one under your umbrella,
You left me in the rain despite my apologies and pain,
I had only seen mine until you snuck out your words,
And now tables reverse: You Hurt Me.

(C) Persephone M December 16th 2013.

I thought my TTC journey caused the bitter loss of friends; so does succeeding.

Reblog (Kinda): Will It Always Be

I wrote this earlier on for my newer blog, but I thought it also fit here, too. After-all this is where I started the TTC journey. I can’t say if it’s hormones, or just years of pain, but I seem to be unable to be 100% happy for anyone else. And it makes it difficult for them to be happy for me.

I still dread facebook, family phonecalls, people’s news. It really doesn’t seem to matter that I’m pretty much almost 9 months pregnant. I burst into tears at a friend’s untactful announcement – do people still need to be tactful around me now that I’ve succeeded in conceiving? I am no longer TTC, I’ve STC or MTC, with help, but I still feel like I’m TTC. I deleted the family member who got pregnant and announced it on facebook (even though I didn’t consider her important enough to tell other than by facebook), I still offer half-hearted congratulations to other family members when they get to have their second already.

One of my best-friends was due a few weeks after me (it took a while for me to come to terms with that, too, because it was so, so close to me and I think I figure after this long I wanted to be special, unique and alone), but now due to medical issues, she’s going to have to be induced a week before my EDD. There’s still a chance I can “beat” her, but that’s where my problem is: it isn’t a freaking race! Don’t get me wrong, I’m worried for her, but also pleased that she and baby seem to be okay. There are increased risks now for both of them, but the doctors are all aware.

I still have the nagging thought though: she’s going to beat me. She along with everyone else I know, is going to beat me. And I’m so close to ending three years of pain, but I really will get there last.

Except none of that really matters does it?

It doesn’t matter that she’s going to “beat” me, that I’m last, that other people get their first, second, third so easily without any of the pain I endured for three years. All that matters is that we all have healthy babies, and that we stay healthy, too.

This was the other blog I posted:

I’ve said before that I think I’ll always consider myself fertility challenged and that until I reach the elusive Other Side, I could end up right back in the Trenches with all those others TTC.

I’d like to think that, all being well with Elvis, if I ever wanted a second I’d never liken that inevitable heartache with the 3 years I suffered and what those still TTC their first go through. They’re sure to be similar, both wanting something far outside of your reach, but they’re also world’s apart.

With a little over 2 weeks until my EDD it’s still all so uncertain. I could still lose everything and have my desperate run for life be shot down at the final hurdle. I honestly thought things would get better, that I’d stop feeling like this when I got pregnant because I was/am lucky enough to have conceived with assistance. Naively I knew that I’d never stop feeling infertile but I hoped it’d feel better.

It doesn’t feel better.

Despite feeling a 37 week Elvis kicking me I still feel like crap when someone else gets pregnant, when someone else is lucky enough to skip over all the pain and heartache I went through. I don’t hate them, not like I used to, but I still can’t deal with them.

Will it always be like this? Or will Elvis heal it all? How can I stop all of this coming between me, my family and my friends?

And it does matter. To a small enough part of me, it does matter that I’m last. That this world is so unfair that it keeps reminding me of how unfair it is.

Desperately, I want to stop feeling like this, to stop resenting or hating, to stop comparing, to stop feeling like I’m still TTC. Deep down I’m still so petrified of ending up back where I started. I couldn’t keep on with the trying journey before I got accepted for IUI, and I won’t survive not finishing this successfully. Maybe it really is as simple as when I hold him, I’ll stop. Maybe that really is the only way to stop all of the pain and negativity that built up over 3 years.

~ Persephone M

My New Blog

After the reveal of my IUI working, I have started a new blog to keep all pregnancy related things separate from this blog. Here is the introduction.

I don’t know how active I’ll remain on this blog, or how much I’ll actually blog on the other, it’s just important to me to keep them separate.

I’ll still keep reading the other TTC blogs out there, as I still consider myself infertile – or at least not easily fertile – and I wish my luck to every one that has ever read this blog and is still on their journey!

~ Persephone M

CD33 – The Testing Time

So I haven’t done an update in a while and its annoying in retrospect because, apparently, the IUI worked!

Day 28 (14dpo) came and went with me having suffered from extreme anger and odd tummy twinges including “ovulation” pain which did have me a bit concerned. So I googled it because I really could not figure out why I’d be getting pain where the hCG hurt so was clearly my ovaries. Until google revealed that I still have a corpus luteum in there.

And I potentially have 3 or more.

In that week from day 21 to 28 where I did start noticing being hot, I did have severe anger issues and an easy ability to cry I was still convincing myself that it was simply the 3 follicles worth of progesterone. On day 28 my bbt even dropped.

But I didn’t break down at it. Nor did I get hopeful over the increase in symptoms. For the first time ever really I kept my logical hat on knowing that it could be pregnancy or from the treament.

I honestly don’t know how I did it. But I also ignored how tired I was and how for a number of nights in a row I had a nap and still went to bed early.

I think it was the night of the 28th or 29th day that I noticed my need to pee at night and the odd pain in my tummy and back which also weren’t helping me sleep.

Day 29 (15dpo) I got so hot and bothered at work I walked out early, tired and needing a nap. It was when hubby got home that he made me take a test. He said it would better to know on the pm rather than am of 16dpo.

I took a test and didn’t really believe it. Although I knew it was correct. I knew I was pregnant. Not from the moment of conception or anything just because I knew it was all far too different. But I had remained logical because of the treatment and then remained calm because there’s a long way to go.

Day 30 (16dpo) I took another test in the am because the fertility center had advised to not test before 16. I had a problem peeing but still got a positive (and I still have 4 tests waiting to be used!). That morning I rang the center and got a scan booked in for less than 3 weeks.

The nurse was so excited for me, the few people I told at work are so excited for me but I just feel cautious. I’ve waited 3 years for this and I don’t want to count my flowers before they bloom (not a fan of poultry).

Day 31 and by the pm my symptoms had gone. I wasn’t as tired. My boobs were not as sore. I didn’t feel as hot and my skin wasn’t bright red. But I’d had the aircon on at work. Oh and I went the whole night without needing to pee. I got worried.

Day 32 and I was getting random tummy and back pains again – apparently normal as my body has started adapting and so I feel a bit happier. I decided that I needed to buy a book. I don’t want to get ahead of myself and become too invested when it’s early days but I need to know what’s normal!

I woke up just after midnight last night so technically today and day 33, with mild uterine cramps. Of all the random pains I’ve had in the past week, uterine based cramps haven’t been included. Over the space of 8 hours I had them 3 times and whilst mild compared to menstrual they didn’t feel that mild. So I woke hubby up and he tried to calm me. He did suggest that maybe it’s growing (which according to the book I just bought it probably is) but that just seems too weird to me.

It seems weird that it’s so early but already my body’s adapting. That it’s already growing. There’s 8 more months left!

But I have my “how many babies” scan in just over 2 weeks and the book I just bought to keep me calm, logical and not too pessimistic.

I just simply can’t believe that it worked first time (if you don’t include the three years!) and that it’s all going to be fine. In fact, I outright refuse to believe that it’s not going to be fine.

~ Persephone M

Ten Day Challenge: One Picture

Okay the final challenge and according to the small print on the image file it has to be a picture of me. The previous Challenge Entries: Ten Secrets, Nine Loves, Eight Fears, Seven Wants, Six Places, Five Foods, Four Books, Three Films and Two Songs.

This is a poetry, photo and TTC blog and I hope that’s how it remains. No matter if I ever stop any of those three things.

Despite the number of images I’ve taken and the small proportion that have made it on to here, there aren’t really any pics of me. I think in the About Me section there might be a distance shot of me but for the culmination of my challenge, I shall reveal the truth.

Having read the Stork Diaries’ blog on those remaining in the “trenches“, this is the only time I will do this. I have managed to get out of the trench and am crossing No Man’s Land as we speak. I still worry daily that I won’t make it to the other side.

I still have regular thoughts on TTC and I still consider myself infertile.

However, other than this entry and the One Picture, this blog is about TTC not actually succeeding. There’ll be another blog for that. Maybe.

Here is me:

Me, six months pregnant.

Me, six months pregnant.

I have one more blog post as part of the TTC journey that resulted in the above picture, it’s about the 7 week scan.

~ Persephone M

CD20 – 6 Days Post IUI

Day 20 and 6 days since the IUI(aka 6dpiui) but I don’t love all the abbreviations on this journey. I’m feeling ok. Haven’t gone crazy in the past week. There’s still time.

I’ve had odd and random stomach twinges, some which feel like the discomfort I had leading up to the ovulation. Which is odd. I also had a day with really bad discharge and I’ve still had weird hot flushes.

I want to say that I’ve been logical and calm; on the surface I have been. But I know that deep down I don’t fully believe myself. This is where I start to think I’m an idiot, that I’m stupid and naive, foolish and just well really the stupidest person on the planet.

Take the past week and how I’ve explained everything away. The heat and pains (more discomfort than actual pain) it’s because of the hormones I was injecting. Even more than those things I now have 3 corpus luteums (after the follicle releases its egg it becomes known as the corpus luteum) releasing progesterone rather than the usual monthly one. And progesterone is what causes the temperature rise post ovulation and through any potential pregnancy.

The weird discharge was because my cervical mucus was pierced and there’s always a risk of infection. Its passed now but clearly my mucus may have been responding.

So I have all the logical reasoning that the IUI hasn’t worked, but no matter how logical, how clever or how rational I can be there’s always something more powerful.

Hope.

No matter what scientific reasons I can reason everything away with, I still have hope.

Stupid, illogical, heartbreaking, pain causing hope.

And I hate it. Because other than the signs mentioned, there’s been no other possible symptoms of a pregnancy, which I keep telling myself is because its too early, but that’s where fear comes into it.

Fear that no matter how logical I can be saying that there’s still time, that it’s too early to know, fear makes me doubt everything.

Fear and hope, I hate them both, two sides of the same coin where only one can win. I have another week of being Schroedinger’s cat.

~ Persephone M