CD8 How I Still Have Faith

After three years of conventional trying to conceive, I think I have pretty much lost all faith that I ever had. Kinda like I’m throwing in the towel on leaving it all to nature and trying the good old fashioned fun way. I honestly don’t think that my body can naturally do what it should.

Earlier on, I was discussing with my hubby how I believe the next week or so will progress and I randomly whispered that this has to work. Because it does. This treatment, this 30th-plus cycle has to work. I have no idea what will happen if it doesn’t.

He told me that I need to have faith and I asked him how I’m supposed to do that when, for the past three years, I’ve had faith.

Almost at the same time as I thought it, he said: This time it’s faith in science.

For the past three years I have put my faith in nature and the “normal” order, the fact that men and women are supposed to be able to make babies. This month though with all of the hormones in my body, altering my body chemistry for a short period, it’s not nature in control. This time it is science.

I have no problem with this. I have no belief that it goes against God, or that He decided I shouldn’t have children and I’m going against His wishes. If God didn’t want certain people to have children, he wouldn’t have created scientific minds that created the processes.

At some point in my history, science became the point to me. I might have been in school, when I chose to study the three separate sciences at college rather than English or Languages. From the age of 16 to 18, science and studying were the complete reason for my life. It was what I did. I studied. I learnt. I avoided the pitfalls of most late-teens in my city, which I now partially regret.

Science got me through my teenage years without any unplanned pregnancies, promiscuity, drug taking or alcohol related injury. It got me to university where I betrayed it for a guy and I floundered for a bit afterwards working in some random desk job where I reached the pinnacle of my promiscuity (which really isn’t promiscuous by its definition). I hated that job, my only non-science based job. I hated the people. I think I didn’t really like myself.

But I will always remember that job for the fact that my husband worked there with me.

And he encouraged me to find a new job, within science, because it would make me happier and more fulfilled despite how it would cause problems for us in his career. When he was away, I wouldn’t be able to communicate with him as easily if I left the hated desk job.

But I needed science.

And for the past 7 years, that’s where I’ve worked – in science.

Science makes everything make sense.

A friend once told me that she didn’t think people needed to study science, to which I responded that it’s all around us so is important. She said that it wasn’t. I asked her how she knows the difference between her paints and how to clean the brushes if it’s emulsion or gloss. How does she know how to wire a plug? Why does she know that plants need to be near light? How does she understand the nutrition of the food she eats?

Science surrounds me. I want to say it surrounds us all, but not everyone has such a faith with science, I do. And, fair enough, my natural body works on science, science created it over thirty years ago in a way that I hope science can create my child. Maybe science went a bit wrong somewhere over the 30 years and I need a bit of extra help to get what I want.

And it’s all I can do anymore, to have faith in that which holds such meaning. I have to have faith in the science of the drugs I’m injecting daily.

And this time, my faith has to be in the right place, it has to work. I don’t think I can lose my faith in science.

~ Persephone M

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  1. February 19th, 2013

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