CD 0/-2/29 – Time to Get Confusing

So today is either gonna be cycle day one and I can ring up the nurse and see if we can have treatment this month. Or it’s day 29 or minus 2 and I have to wait a bit longer.

 

It’s lunchtime and I haven’t had any signs yet that I’m about to start my period which is technically a good sign. I realise that some of the blog entries in this little series might have made it sound as if I’d prefer to have the treatment rather than have my luck change and conceive naturally.

 

I’ll admit it’d be annoying if I conceived before having the treatment I’ve paid over £700 for. Especially as I kinda like the idea of getting twins out of it! Just kidding. But it’s more the simple fact that I know we didn’t try this month, that we maybe actively avoided trying because the stress and pressure, the disappointment two weeks later was just all far too much. Over the past 3 years my periods have got steadily worse. It’s as if my hormones have been getting stronger every month. Or I’ve become more sensitive to them, which doesn’t bode well for any potential treatment.

 

For the last two months, I haven’t had an emotional breakdown at the same time as the inner lining breaks down and slowly starts sloughing away. I haven’t had sore breasts and period pain that woke me up at 5am. I haven’t sobbed hysterically for over an hour for absolutely no reason. I had “normal” periods. Okay, maybe I still had some grouchiness.

 

Whilst I would be overjoyed to already be pregnant and shrug off the cost for nothing, I refuse to believe that it’s possible.

 

There are… Tales, I’ll call them like old wives tales. Like the many people who struggled to conceive and after having the HSG they got pregnant the very next month. Or straight after their laparoscopy. Or when they finally booked that dream holiday. Or right when they decided to stop. Or right when they managed to relax.

 

I wasn’t lucky enough to get pregnant after my HSG or my laparoscopy or when I booked my holiday to the Dominican Republic. Or when two years after that I booked my dream holiday to Mexico. No, if I can’t be lucky enough to succeed where all the classic tales say you will then I point blank refuse to believe that it’ll happen when I settle on a course of action and stop trying.

 

I refuse to get my hopes up so I can have an epic fail within the next few days. I’m not that lucky. I have to work and suffer and keep trying and learn to deal with heartbreak. I don’t get to fall pregnant with a boyfriend whilst on the pill. I don’t get to fall pregnant when I share my home with 7 others and need the council to bail me out, giving me a roof over my head and the money to put food in my own damn mouth. I don’t get to fall pregnant within days of coming off medication that would harm a foetus even when it’s dangerous to my own body to carry a child to term. I don’t get to fall pregnant and have children by the time I’m 30. Let alone have 3 by the time I hit 31.

 

No, I get to pay for a treatment that I can only hope works. Or maybe I will be unlucky enough to already be pregnant and I’ve paid good money for nothing. I don’t get to be normal like so many of you who don’t even realise that these damn things happen. I bought myself a home, started a business, got a permanent job, married the man I love to provide the best for a child whilst so many people I know couldn’t even do one of those things yet they have a child, a family to love. And although there may be light at the end of this tunnel (because extreme anger and bitterness is a pre menstrual sign!) I still wonder if I can remain friends with some of them, which is really a problem that has nothing to do with this particular set of blogs.

 

Or maybe it does.

 

Some of my friends are amazing and enquire about what’s happening with me, stating if they don’t understand a process in an attempt to learn more. But then there are some that simply only think about themselves. Some of my friends are in this journey with me, some feel like they’re actively against me, failing to even consider me in any aspect of life. And it’s that which I am angry, confused and feeling bitter over; not all the people who get the dream I so covet. It’s not even all of the people who’s lives are moving forward as I still feel stationary at a point 3 years ago. It’s the people who don’t care.

 

They might pretend to by keeping me on their friends’ list, but if they can continue on with their lives without a thought of how their actions directly affect me, then I have to stop caring. Most of the people that I class as my best friends try to understand, they know what comments are hurtful given my circumstances and they feel free to share their own excitement, apart from one who I need to lose.

 

But just to be on the safe side, I’ll reserve any decisions for when I’m not a possible hormonal mess.

~ Persephone M

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  1. Breath, let’s wait together.

    This is a waiting game, you need to be patient, I can see that you have been patient for 3 years and counting, have a little more patience.

    You are right in not get your hopes all up. Keep you mind on the treatment and wait. It will be fine.

    TTC sucks, but it will happen.

    Breath

  1. February 19th, 2013

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