A New Road

After the hospital appointment last week (time seems to have flown since then) we were left with three options.

1. Continue as we have been. Keep Trying. Which, seeing as there’s nothing wrong why not?

2. Go down the IVF route. As of next month I/we tick all of the boxes to get a round free which makes it a few thousand pound easier than if we wait more than 5 years.

3. Insemination, which has to be paid for despite it costing up to a third less than IVF, but is never free.

Now let me start by saying that I am pleased that there’s nothing wrong with me and us, but I can’t do any more months. I can’t keep having my hopes dashed or spending 4 days a month stressing over what no one ever should. As my husband put it: he can’t keep seeing my heart break. He’s a man of few words so that sentence meant a great deal.

IVF is incredibly invasive, imo, and takes absolutely everything out of my body. I don’t think we’re ready for that. Aside from the actual carrying of course that would still be in me. But the conception and beginning wouldn’t be. And I don’t think I’m ready for that. Yet. That feels like it’s the absolute final option.

Which leaves insemination. I’m simplifying (partially because I haven’t had the discussion appointment yet) but it’s a few days of drugs and ultrasounds, followed by hubby dearest handing over his goods and a catheter is used to minimise how far his swimmers need to go. It seems less invasive and keeps the whole beginning and conception still inside.

And so that’s really the best option at the moment, but it still took three days for me to pick up the phone and make the payment. I think something feels kind of wrong about it. The decision was obvious and is the only option right now. Leaving it to nature is simply too hard after 3 years and IVF seems like jumping into the deeper end of a pretty deep pool.

Insemination doesn’t come with a 100% guarantee, but nothing does. Except for all those that can get pregnant naturally. And it might be that word – naturally – that caused my reticence. We made the decision together and it is the right one yet I still can’t shake the fact that it doesn’t seem right. It seems like it’s cheating and isn’t natural.

I also really don’t want to pay for a procedure that could very well fail leaving me with even more disappointment and a bad mood swing. Despite all of that, I made the call and made the payment and now I just have to wait for an appointment.

And try to stop thinking that I’m cheating and doing something unnatural.

~ Persephone M

  1. The way I see it, nature has “cheated” you, so why not simply level the playing field a little bit? I’m like you; on paper, there is nothing wrong with me. It sounds bad, but sometimes I wish I just had a cause, so I could obsess over one instead of a potential million causes.

  2. I want to say this without sounding rude, or upsetting you, so please read it with softness, and now that I am saying this with gentle thoughts. If it was left to the natural world, then you wouldn’t have children. When I was growing up and way before anyone had heard of IVF, that is exactly what happened, couples either had no children, or they adopted. Adoption is so much harder now, so that leaves you with two choices, not having children or going the artifical way. I think at the end of it, if you have a child, you won’t care how it was conceived, you will just be so thankful that it happened.
    I can understand you not wanting to go through all the heartbreak each month, but you also don’t want to look back and wish, just wish you had tried. Only you can answer those questions, but there is nothing to say you can’t just take a break, or stop. I really do wish you all the best and really hope it all works out for you.

  1. February 19th, 2013

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