Today, Science Sucks!
I think I’ve stated on here before that I’m scientifically minded. The whole reason that I enjoyed taking my temperature every morning was because I enjoyed plotting the graph and looking for trends. I’m kind of a geek.
Science makes sense. It explains things. It shows how things work and where there could be errors. It’s logical and makes everything all okay again.
I think that’s why I’m awful at handling emotions and dealing with hormones. I’m the girl that can be crying for days but can’t cry in front of others. And now matter how much I love the science of my hormones and understanding when one rises, when one plummets and what that means is happening inside my body, what I don’t like about those exact same bloody hormones is how I react to them.
Every single month without fail, I have a mini emotional breakdown lasting up to two days. It’s normally filled with thoughts of how useless I am, how I’ve managed to fail yet again and how I can’t keep going on like this. It’s more than just a little bit teary. Or just a little bit irritable.
It becomes floods of tears over a simple internal thought and then a real physical inability to stop. It’s draining and annoying and I have no idea how to control it or deal with it. Other than do the opposite of the phrase “man up” and, perhaps instead, I need to woman up.
Yesterday, I decided that I wasn’t just a failure and all the normal stuff. No, I decided I was stupid and pathetic. That it was the only explanation for how naive I can become and how I cling to the smallest thread of hope when my body is building up to a scream of truth. I can examine each and every tiny thing that I feel and see how it could point to being pregnant, but I can also deny the evidence that I’m not. I can put a positive and hopeful spin on anything.
How logical and scientific is that? But that’s the side of hormones that I don’t understand and that aren’t scientific.
But then sometimes science and logic fail. Sometimes things cannot be explained by science or doctors or anyone. Somethings are unexplainable. And I just don’t understand them.
I’ve just been to the doctors to discuss my laparoscopy the other month and what the future entails, what the options now are. And science has failed me. Because my own body hasn’t.
My doctor explained that there are three key elements needed in conceiving. One is that a woman is ovulating. My blood tests proove this.
Two is that the egg can get to the uterus. The lapa and HSG showed my fallopian tubes are 100% fine and unblocked. The doctor even mentioned the word perfect.
Three is that there are actual sperm in semen and that they don’t swim around in circles. The semen analysis showed in the normal range for conception with good linear motion.
So there are no problems with any of the three areas. My laparoscopy showed me to be fine with zero endometriosis. And yet it doesn’t work.
Give a big cheer for my health and being all okay with no reason I can’t get pregnant.
But give a loud boo to science which can’t offer me any explanations or treatments to remedy the problem. Yeah, today, science sucks!
~ Persephone M
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