My Reason For Being?

So I have been a bit quiet online for a while primarily out of being down and perhaps busy and lacking inspiration. And that which I have been posting hasn’t really been blogs or personal stuff even though I have been angsty enough.

My new android smart phone helps as I can write whenever I want now! Even more amazing is that last night I was exploring the wordpress app and discovered the blogs I read tab. Now I can keep up with it all again, read all the blogs I follow, look at their amazing photos and see how people are coping with their conception journeys.

Here is where I might start sounding bitter but from what I read last night most of the ttc people I follow are no longer trying because they have managed it.

First off congratulations, you all deserve it even though it kind of hurt when I realised. Secondly, please don’t forget who you were, what you went through and how you felt as you go through that which so many others yearn. One of the blogs by K M Smitty summed it up best where she says that she understands that those still trying may want to un-follow her. She doesn’t sound as if she is about to forget the journey she took. But in the pain that others still on the journey feel, un-follow may be the safest option for some.

My brain constantly thinks too much and I’ve already had thoughts about this blog and if I do ever manage to get pregnant, but whilst this blog was set up to post my poetry originally, most of which was over the angst of trying, that was never the sole point of this blog. And seeing as I already have two others the subject of each blog is more fluid.

Some of the other ttc blogs I have read have seemed to insinuate that no one in that person’s real life knows about it. Perhaps close people know they are ttc but not about the blog itself. My blog is not so private. I regularly post links to my personal Facebook and let everyone see it, especially since my laparoscopy. It’s not about giving too much information, it’s about being open and not just trying to deal with this all alone.

One particular good friend, I’ll say that she has a distinctive smell, sent me this amazing text about how it isn’t just my journey, she’s in it with me too because she’s my friend, and it meant so much to me. It makes up for those friends that can just drop in an email that their boyfriend of a few months wants babies *now* or those that can laugh in relief that it was only a pregnancy scare that they had – what I wouldn’t give to have babies *now* with my husband, of a few years, or to at least have a scare as it may prove that at least I can conceive.

The other reason that I’m freer with my blog is because my friends and family are not just in this journey with me because they love me, but also because, god forbid, that one day they encounter themselves on the same journey, or perhaps their child, then they know they can speak with me. I have found that not many people talk about infertility and I have no idea why. Is it because at some point it turns to discussing sex, girlie hormones and periods? Perhaps some women are better at talking about it, but what about the men? Do men assume that the man in a ttc couple is to blame that it makes him less of a man? You only have to look at the blogs where stupid comments are listed (maybe you are not having sex right, it’ll happen one day, etc etc) and I don’t just mean those comments that are said accidentally (someone the other night rolled their eyes and honestly said “kids who’d bother” but I was eavesdropping and it was just one of those things). It’s those things said to try and help you or when someone just doesn’t think.

Take the friends who want to have a child with their new boyfriend *now* without responsibly planning and that had the pregnancy scare and said both things to my face, they know that I’m trying but still said those things and perhaps by me being more open about these things they’ll understand how insensitive those comments are.

Maybe that’s what my fate is and that’s why I am suffering: to help others. After-all I believe there is a reason for everything and there has to be a reason to have over 30 failed cycles. Right?

~ Persephone M

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  1. I’m still here with you! I like how you encourage your friends to read your blog. I think it’s much healthier to be open about what you experience. Now, if I could only do the same.

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