And the day starts…

Oh my gods, old and new, today is starting as bad as yesterday ended. Let’s catch you up a bit. I’m off away for the weekend to have tea at the ritz with friends for our 30th year. It was all fine even after spending ages searching for my camera cable to clear off a memory card.

Until I tried on the dress I bought especially for it. It was a bit too tight. It’s all my own fault: my lethargy in the weeks following my surgery let me eat a whole bunch of junk. I thought it would be ok until my husband then pointed out that the security tag was still in it. By was I mean is ‘cos there’s no way of removing it myself.

So I decided I’d pop to the shop before getting my train and try and convince them I’m not a shop lifter. No, I don’t still have the receipt.

And then I woke up this morning to take my temperature. For anyone who doesn’t know, recording your basal body temperature first thing on a morning can help indicate once your body has ovulated. It took me ages to find a thermometer I liked and this morning I dropped it, creating an irremoveable air bubble. Perhaps it could have been fixed except I became hysterical and then…

Then I dropped the damn thing in my cup of tea and essentially tried to poison myself.

So the hysterical tears continued.

I alter my diet to conceive. I wake up early to take my temperature to conceive. I book amazing holidays, days away and sights to see to hide the fact that I’m lacking the one thing I want. I basically overcompensate in other areas of my life to try and be less of a failure, less useless and irrelevant. When those things start to wrong, I falter.

I can’t do this anymore. My own overcompensation, high standards, and methods to cope simply make it worse when it goes wrong and proves that there is absolutely nothing within my control. I desperately want to go back to bed and ignore the celebrations for my 30th birthday, hide in a hole.

But I can’t.

But I have found another new dress in my wardrobe so as long as I can lose the desire to cry everything will be fine.

For now.

~ Persephone M

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