Outside

I feel very separate from everything else in the world. I always have done and most of the time, I ignore it, but sometimes it gets to me.

For ease, I’m an only child who moved cities at the ages of 8 and 14. At school I was the quiet one, at home I was the misunderstood or non-understood one, and I’m not sure it ever really changed. With my own family I feel like the outsider, the one with nothing in common, the one with nothing to say.

At work, I’m the one on the periphery, the one who’s not fully there. In both I just make up the numbers, walking a different path to all the others, filling to role of odd one out, fish out of water, so unique, it’s just all too different.

Meanwhile, I’m trapped on a roundabout and I can’t get into the right lane to exit, trapped just going round and round. And no one notices. I consider disappearing, not even into a fantasy world where I forget my daily oddness, my daily social inabilities and become consumed with an imaginary person’s life. It comes as no surprise to me that characters of my own creation are misunderstood, crave being alone to not be hurt, or fight to be surrounded for the fear of being alone. It’s also of no surprise when I sit here and consider the futures I create for them they in the end they end up happy. One, named Nicola, is the put upon one in her family, the first born who had to be the adult, never got to be the girl. She ends up finding herself a new family who accept her for who she is.

Another, Mel, hides her past, her name even from everyone, she works a job she hates and hides her social life from her family for fear of their reaction, their inability to understand. I haven’t finalised her future yet, but she finds the perfect person that accepts her, after she runs away and disappears.

I can’t seem to even disappear into their lives, these people I know best. I’m not sure I can even formulate coherent blogs. All I want is sleep.

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  1. I feel separate most of the time, too. It hurts but I am trying to live with it. Hope your week gets better!

  2. Join our group. My siblings and now the children are all loners. Each one of us too different to even understand each other.

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