Lost Friendships

First of all, I’m doing this by email and have no idea how it’s going to turn out, but apparently I can’t access my blog on my new/old desktop PC.

So, I’ve been feeling a bit… worthless. It’s just the mood I’m in and I know it’ll pass, but, honestly, at the moment I feel like everyone surpasses me, that there is no point for my existence.

I’m starting to feel better. And I know I will, maybe just in a few more days. Anyway, earlier on I was emailing a friend and telling her about my apparent worthlessness and then I got onto the subject of a very old, and forgotten, friend and I started to wonder if some of my current down-ness is because of someone I once knew.

There’s poetry on here about it – the time period of my life and the person (or people) in question. I think if you click on the tag “4” it should include some of them. Not sure of the others and I can’t check either! Silly desktop PC. It was ten years ago this year that everything in my life truly did go wrong, the time when if there ever was a time in my life where I was useless it was then.

It all began and in some ways culminated in 2002, with some things trailing into 2004. But by ’04 that entire period in my life was over and complete for good. She was my best friend. She isn’t anymore.

The issues between us (I don’t really know what happened. I remember feeling unhappy, angry, incredibly sad. I remember all of this being directed at her. But I think it might have just been us both growing up and, inevitably, apart. I don’t think I ever hated her. I certainly don’t hate her anymore.) have caused immense strain on other friendships.

Over the past 8-10 years I’ve avoided one friend’s birthdays and other gatherings because of the thought of the ex-friend being there. It doesn’t make me proud. The thing is, I think people think that I avoided my ex-friend, and by default my amazing other friend’s events because I hated the ex-friend. Or because I was still angry about the year in which I felt abandoned. It’s my amazing friend’s birthday soon and the ex-friend will be there. I’m already nervous.

Not because I hate her guts and don’t want to see her let alone breathe the same air as her. Not because I’m scared that she’ll pick a fight with me (I’m surprisingly unconfrontational with most people). What I don’t think anyone knows is the real reason why I’ve avoided her, why I get nervous about the thought of seeing her, why (in the past) I’ve boasted about my life on the rare occasions that I’ve been in her presence.

I miss her.

For over three years, my ex-friend was my best friend. We shared interests, we spent random hours randomly talking about rubbish or in silence just enjoying each other’s company. We held similar views and it’s sad that she’s not in my life anymore.

I have some amazing friends right now, four or five girls that I would turn to in any situation and would put my life in their hands. But none of them are my ex-friend. No one is my best friend. The ex-friend still holds that title.

And it hurts.

She’s the ex that I never got over and, just as with an ex, I don’t want her to know that I miss her, that I still need our friendship. I spent years trying to come to terms with events of 2002-2004 and of the 4 people I lost in the twelve month period ending in November 2003, she was the one who hurt the most and the longest.

To put this into perspective of quite how sad and pathetic I am, my father died in that 12 month period but losing my ex-friend hurt me more. Maybe it was because I didn’t see her leaving me, I knew my father would. Maybe it was because I thought my best friend would be just that for the rest of my life, unfortunately parents aren’t supposed to be in your life forever. Maybe it’s simply because as far as I really remember she chose to leave my life, my father never did.

Maybe it was because the majority of friends I had at the time, that I would have classed as joint friends, sided with her. Now, as far as I know we never argued so it wasn’t as if people sided with her because I was in the wrong. There are some things that I did in retaliation which might cause people to side with the ex-friend, but I never told my side. Throught out the years when it was happening and still raw, I never spoke to any mutual friend about she and I. At the time, we had been together at school, college and university so all of my friends were hers. But it was the newer ones that vanished from my life overnight and I have no idea as to the true, real reason. Eventually I did speak to two friends who had actually known her longer, but it was only because I needed to see if they saw it too. They didn’t at the time, but later it happened to them – she abandoned them, too.

It was those newer friends though, that stopped being my friend just because she and I had grown apart, that I actually wouldn’t give the time of day to now. They chose to side with her, to end a friendship with me but continue it with her. Perhaps they were lied to, perhaps they never liked me, perhaps they were young, too, and made a decision. Funny how years later, I can’t seem to remember the exact details of what happened with the ex-friend, but I can remember how those girls stopped being my friends. I miss her, and it hurts. I would still forgive the years and have my best friend back. I could never be more than passing acquaintances with them.

So, at my friend’s birthday soon, I will come face to face with someone I still wish I had and I there’s nothing I can do about it. Time most certainly hasn’t healed my heart. I have come to terms with it a bit more, but I think I just needed to admit to the entire world why I’m anxious about a party. I needed to clarify that it isn’t because I’m full of hate and bile. I needed to admit the truth.

I have to say that I’m hoping by admitting something that’s been niggling at me for, I don’t know how long, it might actually help my apprehension over my amazing friend’s upcoming birthday and might help lift my worthless mood.

I still just don’t have the answer though: How do you get over your best friend?

~ Persephone M
P.S. Apologies again for any formatting issues. Sent by email!

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