Emotionally Dead Today

Quite surprisingly this is not going to be as negative a post as it usually, normally, could be. You see, I failed again this month. Except I didn’t break down and don’t actually feel like a failure.

Normally, as has been becoming the norm, the moment I get a hint of starting my period I have a huge giant emotional breakdown. I sometimes worry that I’m crazy. Hormones are weird and wonderful things, and for that day or two, my hormones completely rule me.

There’s scientific evidence pointing to just after ovulation when, I think it’s oestrogen, drops quite suddenly there can be an almost withdrawal like feeling in the woman. I’m not trying to say that everything a woman does can be blamed on hormones, but sometimes they do play a significant effect.

This month, it didn’t happen. I didn’t fall apart. I didn’t become a huge red ball of tears and sobs.

I got a bit angry. I was certainly disappointed, but I wasn’t distraught. Am I learning to cope with it? Have I given up? Maybe it was just because it’s been so busy recently that I didn’t have the time or energy to break down.

I don’t want to get used to being unsuccessful. I don’t want to resign myself to a fate that I don’t want. I don’t want to stop caring, to develop some hardened shell where these things don’t affect me anymore. I’m still not sure if it was a good or bad thing that on the same day where normally I would become a hysterical mess, I was with friends and all of their young children. How could I have been around children, on the worst day of the month and not shed a tear?

Possibly more frustrating is the fact that I know for definite that I did everything right and at the right times this month, yet still nothing.

New Year, new tests!

~ Persephone M

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  1. Sometimes you can do everything right and still things don’t turn out quite right. Maybe your lack of despair is your way of getting yourself emotionally strong enough for another cycle?

    • It didn’t stay that way… 😦 But thank you for your words. Another month…

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