I’m Afraid of You

I stumbled across a blog  today and I thought it was amazingly written and a topic incredibly close to me. I can only hope that one day my dreams come true as hers did.

But it really got me thinking about how I live in fear. I’ve recognised the feeling of disappointment, hope, failure, frustration and anger, but never fear.

There’s the fear for the week or so before a period is due that there will be a period.

The fear of how I will react to it.

The fear of growing yet another month older, wasting another month’s resources.

The fear of failing and having no point to my life.

The fear that at some point a test will tell me that it’s my fault and that my own self-blame will destroy my marriage.

The fear of being the only one of my set of cousins to not have a child – so far there are only two with children, three without (all younger than me) and me – to not continue my side of the family.

The fear of alienating my family because it pains me to see them with their children at family get togethers and that at the last family party, it was my husband who fibbed to my family when they asked. Okay, he out and out lied to them.

The fear of my husband and I being the only one of all of his siblings (three brothers and three sisters – only three don’t have children and one is barely legal to even have sex) to not produce grand-children for his parents.

The fear of preventing my mum from ever being a Grand-parent.

The fear of losing friends if they become pregnant because I can’t control the bitterness that is increasing within me, and because they’re younger than me, or not married, or not even trying it just doesn’t seem fair.

It’s over a year ago now, but 2010 seemed to be the year for pregnancies. Facebook announced that a cousin-in-law was pregnant. Two women I work with announced their pregnancies whilst my workplace actually had the greatest number of maternity leave cover in recent years. A cousin who once told me that she never ever wanted children, got pregnant. Two friends gave birth to their children. Another friend sent me an email after being off the grid for months with the news that she had a two-month old son – a very troubled pregnancy had caused her to not tell anyone she didn’t have to. She was so apologetic to me when I met her son for the first time and I told her of my problems.

What did I do?

I deleted the cousin-in-law. I struggled with the cousin. And still do. I don’t ever speak to the women at work about their children. My friend who had the troubled pregnancy, I barely see her because of location, but she fought for her child having been told that due to medication she’d been on her entire life, she’d never have children. She got pregnant first time. And my other two friends, well, one works a lot, but the other lives very close to me and I love her child to bits.

I live in fear of someone younger than me having a child. To the point that someone warned me that a mutual acquaintance was trying and I almost literally burst into tears on the spot. At work. I’m going to try and keep in mind some of the comments from the blog entry I found and possibly highlight them to any real world people I know that manage to get pregnant before me to the extent that I am going to publicise this post on my facebook account (wish me luck)! The two key ones I found were:

Maybe that’s selfish and maybe that’s not fair–but your friend is hurting and you are the one with the good news–that’s just how it needs to be right now. One day, when the tables are turned for whatever reason, it might be you who needs to be a little bit selfish.

Never forget, your friend wants to be over-the-moon happy for you. She wants to be able to smile and come along for the ride. No one wants to feel bitter and jealous and hopeless. This isn’t a choice.

I have to admit that it never occured to me that for everyone I feel jealous over or need to remove myself from, could one day feel jealous or need to be selfish towards me one day. And I don’t want to feel bitter, jealous, hopeless or afraid.

I don’t want more aspects of life to be altered by simply trying to do what everyone was created for. As I said in an earlier post, I’ve already upset friends by putting days of the month ahead of nights out and meet-ups, but this is affecting my whole life now.

Back to crossing my fingers and being filled with fear because it’s all over again for this month!

~ Persephone M



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