Delusions of Illusions

And just a few short days later, I have firm proof of another month’s failure and wasted time, yet I still can’t fully believe it.

It happens most months, that I seem to be able to convince myself that despite all the facts, there’s still a possibility. As I explained previously, certain signs and symptoms are common to both being pregnant and to not being pregnant and it is quite amazing how I can honestly convince myself that despite the pain, or visibly starting a period, that there’s still a chance I can be pregnant.

Does it make me naive? Impossibly stupid? Gullible? Eternally hopeful and overly optimistic?

I’m a scientist and I rely on the logic, the facts, the hard, cold truth and yet every month I manage to hope for the illogical, the fiction that I come to believe and the utterly insane. Is it a sign of my increasing madness? That, perhaps, after two years, my hopes and desires for one simple thing has completely consumed my life to the point that not only do I act irrationally, but I also think irrationally.

I’m honestly not that stupid, to truly convince myself that a lie is true, but I feel stupid. I feel like a failing idiot who can’t seem to manage the one thing that in so many ways is the most important thing that anyone is ever created to do, and because I’m stupid enough to believe my own propaganda. And I’m stupid because I still have useless hope.

Miserably hormonal,

~ Persephone M.

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