Almost That Time Again

So, along with the alterations to this site and the new sub-categories, I’m also going slightly more down the blog route and opening up about a problem/issue/something that I feel the need to share.

It’s been hard to write about; simply typing the words still does not come too easily.

But I made the decision and so here comes this blog entry.

It’s that time of the month again. No, not the one where I get super irritable and make my husband want a divorce. And, no, not the one where my body is wracked with cramps and I spend my time feeling faint and curled in a ball crying.

No, it’s a time in between those cliched ones, a time that used to be harmless and passed by non-existently. You see, I’m on the few days before my next period, before the pain and trauma, after the more significant hormonal imbalances, and it’s definitely the time I hate the most. I can take the pain, I can take the moods (although perhaps the people around me can’t), but I can’t take the anticipation and the heartbreak which has, for the past 24 months, always come. I swear that hurts more than any cramps. Because, you see, I want a baby or, in the lingo, I am trying to conceive (TTC).

After two years, I now know my body and every single little bodily event that happens — all of which signify that I failed once again. Right this moment I have the usual signs and I know I’ve failed yet again. Although it never stops the hope and small glimmer that echoes through my mind. It really doesn’t help that a lot of my symptoms of not being pregnant are similar to the symptoms of being pregnant. It enables me to, every freaking month, wonder if those things are positive signs.

So now I’m in the few days where I have to ignore what could be signs, but find myself unable to ignore what’s screaming in my face. You’d think after this long I’d be better prepared and able to deal with things, but if anything it’s all getting worse.

Fingers crossed for the next few days,

~ Persephone M.

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